feelings on a sleeve

i miss you

2006-06-27T15:29:00.000-02:30

I miss my blog so much. I decided to post another brief line or two about my current state. I am happy. I am working. I have good friends who challenge me again. This is wonderful. I just hope this does not become the next place I have to 'get over' when I leave. I hope you all are doing swimmingly. I am off to work again. Remember, if you want to catch me, check out myspace.

BYE.

just keeping on top of the ball

2006-04-11T01:23:00.000-02:30

Hey. I have really slacked at this whole blog thing. Ah well. If you really want to keep up with what is going on in my life, check out my journal on myspace. it's www.myspace.com/betha_boo.

My life has been pretty crazy. It has been a really rough year so far. I know that it will probably get a little bit rougher before it gets better, but that is okay. The reward will be wonderful.

I hope you all are doing well. Let me know what's up...I really do care.

Talk to you soon.

woah

2006-02-16T15:48:00.000-03:30

well...i moved to toronto last month...and now i am moving somewhere else. i am pretty stressed about it, but it was due time for a post.
i know this was a short one, but whatev.
i am doing fine, and have a job that i enjoy, and i will soon get my pay check. i have a butt load of people that love me, including god. i have been spending a lot of time with the big guy, it has been a big need. basically i have 200 dollars for rent, and the cheapest you find a place in toronto is like 450, so i am pretty stuck. uh oh. oh well. life, lessons, and such.
i am going to go now. i will update sometime. thanks for reading.
peace. (please)
bethany

Rand McNally

2006-01-09T22:01:00.000-03:30

WARNING: What you are about to read is depressing, and slightly dramatic. Please understand that this is a roller coaster ride you may not wish to get on, seeing as the turns are unpredictable and the hills may appear larger than they actually are. I thank you for any support that you wish to extend, but be aware that the way I am feeling today, will likely NOT be the way I feel tomorrow. Thanks.

This morning I woke up at 3:44 in the afternoon. Yes, I slept in. That is not a problem, right? Well, consider this: I have been sleeping in until at least 2:27 in the afternoon every day since the day after the day after new years. That was not a typo. They say that sleeping too much is a sign of depression. I feel like a hobo. Let's see...

A Hobo is generally:

-unemployed
-depressed
-has no money
-no friends
-dirty
-lazy
-unless they are insane, they don't have much of a spiritual side

Me:
-unemployed
-no money (wait...I do have 700 dollars in my bank account! Hold that up to the 9500 dollar debt from my car...and I am 8800 in the hole!!)
-signs of depression (bad attitude, draw to alcohol, sleeps a lot, writes dark poetry)
-lack of meaningful friendships (basically I am just lazy with my friends. I could care less if I see them or not ATM...except for a select two)
-I had two showers last week. Compare that to the shower every day I had two months ago...and that is one stinky situation!
-lazy...hmmm...well...i will get to that in a minute.
-God and me...let's just say...we are not in any sort of honey moon stage. We have not broken up or anything, but the silent treatment is really wearing thin.

I have two goals this year. Lose weight, make money.

If you have read some of my past posts, you can slightly understand that I HATE being materialistic. I hate living for the world. I have been pushed into spending this year doing the two things that make this world pathetic!!!

The weight thing is ok. I mean, temple of the H.S and what not. But after Christmas, I am pretty much back where I started. That means that I spent two months losing 8 inches, eating CRAP and working my ASS off...literally...and I gained it ALL back plus interest...in FIVE DAYS. So if I were to lose all the weight I want to lose, I could potentially gain it back in no time at all?!?!!?! That is no fair deal my friends. No fair deal at all!!!

I hate money.

Basically I woke up this morning and decided to be depressed. I decided to fight for my rights with the parentals and lost. I decided to ignore the slight push I felt to go to my room, shut the door, and listen to God. I decided to leave my dishes on the counter to piss off my mother. I decided to sit down and write about my depressing lifestyle on this blog.

The bottom line is, my mother was right. I am wasting away up here. I am makeing a bunch of choices that are breaking my life. It is not the area I am living in, it is the attitude mostly. Grrr...I hate when parents are right. I hate it when anyone but me is right. I think I just need some Jesus. Badly. Really badly.

Also, I need some job and future career ideas. I need a job that changes all the time, and where I can use a bunch of my talents. I love people, I love art, I love administration, I love cooking, I love event planning, I love writting, I love lots of stuff that I am not credited to do...hmmm...

now I am babbleing.

I will post when there is some dramatic news, or an intense mood change.

Don't worry about me, and I won't worry about me.
whatever that means.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back.
Bethany Dawn

baby it's cold outside...

2005-12-24T23:34:00.000-03:30

It seems Christmas is upon us. It is the time of laughing and sharing between family and friends. Not for me it would seem. I have spent the last two nights striving for a time, any time, to have a nice evening with my family as a whole. Mom, Dad, Noah and Elijah, and myself...play a few games, watch a movie...anything that involved a happy time.
Everything started out fine, sure! Until Noah ran downstairs to play his stupid X-box, which, dare I say, he loves more than us! Did I mention that he was borderline...scratch that...he was drunk! Then there was me, yeah, that is right, I had a part in the disaster. I had to open my mouth and start freaking out at my brother and parents for their lack of caring about such a special event. It ended with my mom almost crying, my dad retreating, and me screaming into a pillow. Good ole Elijah kept his cool the entire time.
I guess no family is perfect, and I would not trade mine in for the world.
I am just tired of asking for happy memories.
Merry Christmas to everyone...and don't worry, mine could still turn for the best :)

can't hear the music

2005-12-15T14:39:00.000-03:30

I am in my house. I am typing on the keyboard. I am listening to the quiet ruffles of my dog on the chesterfeild. I am alone. I am not alone. I am sitting on the floor. I am looking at the television. I am watching a blank screen. It is not blank. I am hungry. I am still. I am Canadian?

My brain is SO mushy right now. I am the only one in my house. It has not been this quiet in days. My mother will be home soon with some wonderful snacks. Mmm...veggies. Did I convince you? I sure don't like them, but it seems to be all I can eat. I am so hungry for bread, or chocolate, or chips. I am experiencing some intense withdrawl. No! Not just from food, but from a life. I have been doing nothing for days. I visited T-dot...niiice...but that was it. I need a job. I need a job badly. I can move anywhere, I could be in Scottland tomorrow for all I know. I literally can do anything. I am very gifted young lady, but it does not help to know that.

Sometimes I wish that i could only do one thing. It would make my life far easier. It would be the THING that I do, the THING that I am good at. But NoooOOOooo I have to be good at everything. I find it impossible to narrow down. Not only am I good at everything, but I like to do everything as well. Okay, granted, there is a slight exaggeration in my tone. I can't do EVERYTHING... but I sure can do a lot. I am a quick learner, and my brain learns in many different ways. I pick stuff up by watching, listening, doing, and guessing! I am pretty sure there are a lot of people out there like me...and I am sure it sucks for them as much as it sucks for myself.

So you...you tell me what to do. I can't make a decision. I can go anywhere, and do anything...so WHAT!?? What do I do? BLAH!

Does this count as my quarter life crisis?

Also, and on top of that, and so on and so forth...I wish I could marry a man like William Wallace. I watched Braveheart yesterday, and granted, he needed a hair cut and a shower or two...but his passion was inspiring. That is what I want...a guy who is passionately inspiring!

But I don't want him to go to war. Even if someone were to slit my throat and attempt to have their way with me. War sucks. Peace and forgiveness...

Hmmm...maybe not.
We shall see.

I wrote this in less than five minutes, can anyone tell?!?!?!?!?! I suuuuuuuure can.

i knit a scarff

2005-12-03T13:48:00.000-03:30

Out of Wack.

I have considered using that phrase as and explination of how I feel at the moment. Problem is, I just don't know what it literally means. If you ask me, being 'In wack' sounds like a far worse situation. Bah! I just don't understand these old fashioned cliches.

I am still unemployed. Actually, that is not completely true. I have been translating my parents 'youth sexuality book' in to a language that young people can hopefully appreciate. I just don't think that the words 'marriage bed' will grab their attention. In the same way, the words 'peer affiramtion' may make them throw up. It is my responsibility to transform these (and many other) words and phrases into a language that only those under the age of 25 can get away with.

I am getting paid about 300 dollars to do it, and my parents treat it like they are doing ME a favour. I will spend the next three weeks (21 days) spending half the day (7 hours) doing the work. Let's see...that is about (21 times 7 = 147 minus 4 for weekends = 143) 2 dollars an hour!!!!!! Thanks mom and dad. I can truely see how YOU are getting the better end of the deal here.

In my house, there is a drawer. There are many drawers in my house, but this one in particular is THE drawer. Whenever anyone in the house is looking for something (ie, siccors, combs, glue, nail clippers) the first place we search is THE drawer. The funny thing is that the item we are looking for is never, nor was it ever in the drawer to begin with. So WHY do we look in the drawer in the first place?!?

And finally, working out. Okay, losing weight is hard enough as it is (7 pounds so far friends!!), but tredmills are SOOOOOO boring. I had to force Elijah to stand there with an Adrian Plass book (my new favourite book in all the world. I have read two of them in three days!) and read it to me for half an hour while I walk/run/jog/walk/cool down. If I do not have him read to me, I listen to music. Music makes it seem SO much longer. I got through half of a cd and only eleven minutes and thirteen seconds had passed. I almost puked right on the clock. It was dispicable. I hate tredmills. They suck. When I excersise, I like to do things that I feel are 'working'. Crunches, they work.

I miss bread.

Thank you to all of the comments I got on my last post. They were really encouraging. It is a bitter sweet feeling that most people have been through the same things I have expressed...I have also realized that not all dreams will come true. I guess that is a good thing, cuz life would get pretty boring if you woke up one day and realized that you had succeeded in all your dreams and you would have nothing left to live for. So, I shall keep dreaming, reaching for the unreachable star...I just wonder what star it is I am reaching for (I hope it does not turn out to be just another one of those darned satalites again!)

Riiiiiight.

Arivour Amigos.

confessions of a not-so-teenage drama queen

2005-11-27T00:12:00.000-03:30

20. hmm...I expected more to be honest. I remember being 12 and praying for the day I would turn 20. I would be driving, probably married, be a part time actress, part time piolet , have a house of my own, pay bills, drink tea with my mother who I only would see maybe once a month...basically...all my dreams came to be when I turned 20.

I remember telling God when I was seven that he could kill me so that I could be born again when I turned 20 (that was my understanding of giving my 'life to the Lord'). So I am sure you can understand my frustration, and even, ney I say, disappointment that I have or...am...NON of the things that I wanted...expected...dreamed for. Now I look to 30...but will I feel the same when I get there?

I am not complaining, I am just venting (which somehow mean two totally different things!). I have spent the last year of my life being totally complacent. I have not given two craps about the direction my life is going...now, that should not alarm anyone because in my mind I was doing the 'right thing'. I told God that he could take me wherever he wanted...and I would do whatever he asked. Well, turn out he wanted me to feed the hungery, and learn to love my life as a semi-complete loner. I had my family, and I had God...still do in fact...and I can even say that I felt satisfied...even fufilled. The problem: I was not, and am not living my dream...whatever my 'dream' is.

A funny thing happened; it was like before I had been walking up a huge mountian and all I could see was the rock, snow and ice...and when I turned 20, all of a sudden I could see the top of the peak, and and even some of the landmarks to follow. I realized that God has been with me every step of the way, and He always will be. I have to make the choice to run after what I want, and trust that He loves me enough to follow. As much as God wants to push me...He can't...actually...he won't.

That idea was something that was a little hard for me to take. When I was younger (even up to last month) I always had a picture of me going through life on God's hand...like His hand was some sort of magic carpet. I would go wherever He took me. I would then jump off, do the duty, jump back on...and off we went to the next destination. Recently the picture changed...it was me...with a hand covering over top of me...I was totally protected, but it was me that had to move...and the hand would follow me. Interesting hey. Even scary.

All of that to say...I am 20. I am not doing what I dreamed for myself when I was 12. I am not sure what I want in 5 years, heck, I am not even sure what I want tomorrow. But I am going to allow myself to dream, and not fear that I am somehow going to walk away from what God has for me. I have been learning to love myself...and recently decided that I am finally ready to take care of myself...I am not a toy...I am a precious treasure...that needs some touch up work :)

I am going to be alright kids, I know that I don't really fit in to this secular world we are forced to live in...but I am living in eternity right now...and that suits me just fine!! riiight...it made sense to me.

Peace out home dogs.

bethany took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

pretty men sing

2005-10-28T17:29:00.000-02:30

Oh my gosh! This darnded computer will not let me post anymore...grrr...I have had SO much to say...but NO COOKIES! What the heck does that even mean? Computers do not eat, oh no no...and if they do, they certianly do not SHARE! Gosh.

I have been so SUPER busy with work. New owners, new rules, new frustration. Dispite the language barier, and lack of days off, it has not been all that bad actually. I got my ministry, which was wonderful. I feel like a brand new me. Actually, to be honest, I feel quite the same...just betterified. It is my birthday in a couple weeks, woot. I will be 20. It is pretty exciting actually. The last few years have been hard on my birthday, novemeber nineth seems to be a hard day to remember for most people...but I have realized that God knows, God remembers, and he gives me the best presents of all! Seriously, it was a great revelation.

I miss Toronto, there is so much more to do...not that I would have any time to do any of it. I need money. A lot of money. If I won the 54 million, I would use it to pay off bills, debt, car, house, retirement, friends and family stuff...travel...and then give a good 45 million to Pakistan. I mean...oh my gosh, what is with the Canadian/American psyci? We gave so much to New Oreleans, so we have done our good deeds for the year...it is quite sickening. Do you all watch the news? We gave over double...triple...to N.O, and there was only 2% of the damage! Gosh.

I really should not talk, concidering I did not give ANYTHING! haha...no, not funny...seriously gross me out!

I should go...I have work to do. But oh my goodness, I hope I can post something for real soon!

peace out neighbours!

the ramblings

2005-10-08T21:35:00.000-02:30

Hello again dear readers, although you are few and far between (whatever that means) (actually, I know exactly what it means, and I totally meant to say it!) (peeerrrfect!) Okay, moving right along...actually, I totally did NOT finish my first sentence! So let me do that right now...

...few and far between, I cherish y'all, and plan to update you on my present living circumstances.

There. Fini!

Not the post dumb dumb (you are not stupid, it was more endearing than anything), just the first sentence.

Okay, Noah moved home, things have been crazy. SO crazy that I had to cancel my thanksgiving plans, and run away to Toronto for a few days. I am extremely frustrated with the whole situation. The situation in its entirety is extremely frustrating. Amen and amen. My new cars name has been changed yet again. I know I said Morton was the final answer, but to be honest with you, his first name was Cameron, and it has stuck. It is honestly my final answer. Done and done. Wow. This entire entry is confusing to the max.

I am going for counseling in two weeks. I am very nervous about it, but let me tell you, it is HIGH TIME that I got some help. I did not mean anything by the capital 'high' either...seriously!
I feel like I am a canon ball...just ready to explode. Wait a second there missy...canon balls don't explode, they just smash things...right?! hmmm...weird.

I think it is pretty clear that my brain is entirely somewhere else, so I am going to leave you all with a final thought...

If water is liquid, and salt is a solid...what is lettuce??

Thank-you come again. PLEASE!

here we go again...

2005-10-03T02:36:00.000-02:30

For those of you who are unaware (that makes most of you) my brother, Noah, has been gone these two weeks, gracing the land of Alberta with his presence. He joined a YWAM (youth with a mission) base there, where he hoped to journey his way to Thailand. (You may have noticed my use of past-tense...good eye mate) Noah has made some rather delicious decisions in the last month...he gave up some bad habits, and chose to avoid unpleasant company. For the few weeks before his trip accross the country...he made me insane! At home all the time, nintendo in the living room, talk talk talk talk talk about nothing that made any sense to me at all...up at all hours of the night playing his movies loud enough to scare our horses...exaggeration alert...but seriously...it was SO bad. BUT...he left...he went away, and brought the anxiety with him. Something lifted off the house, and it was amazing. Peace. Wonderful, sweet, stress-free peace. Until. It happened. Noah has developed kidney stones and shall be returning home in two days. TWO DAYS. I had two weeks! TWO WEEKS. Shall I never catch a break.

I love him. I just did not miss him. I love him a lot. But he needs to move. He needs to move immediatly.

In other news, I have decided to put to death my childish spending of money that I earn through sweat and tears...and sometimes...blood. Yes. I have given birth to a new, more adult (is that contradictory?) finacial investment. I purchased a vehicle. A new vehicle. Well, it is not NEW, but it is 2002. I think it is very attractive. I would date it in human form. I have named it DEREK. Derek is my baby, and even if everyone else hates him, I shall love him with all the love in my heart. Derek is precious. I am commited to Derek...or at least to his...uhhh...legal guardians?...biological parents?...step parents? I am not sure where that metophor was going...the point is I have to have a stable income for three years...to pay the car off, and pay inssurence for the rest of my LIFE! Did I spell that right...am I spelling any of this right...damn spell check does not work on this computer...so I have to deal with it.

Thanksgiving is a time to share and laugh and love and thank. (this is early, but let's face it, I won't have time to post before or shortly after the date!) I am having a meal for those who I am thankful for, not all of them are going to be able to come, and so...to you...the reader...I extend my thanks. Thanks for being there, thanks for talking to me at some point in my life, thanks for giving me smiles, and even tears...you have all added a spark...a special spark...your all treasures.

Change in tone. Okay. My new bosses start tomorrow...uh oh. It should be a rocking time...and by rocking...I mean subway will be on the rocks. The very high up and jagged ones, the ones that are damaging, life threatening, and you can't get down cuz you are surrounded by angry bears and cougars and wild turkeys. I am pretty worried. Work is going to be a stress. I will make it. Maybe.

Until next time, keep smiling, know that you are loved by at least one person...and he is the greatest person that ever existed or still exists or will exist ever....and he lives in me...and so i can't help but feel the same! I love you all...with the love of the Lord...which is pretty strong...so...yeah.

flat out disgusted!

2005-09-13T13:28:00.000-02:30

No excusses, I have none. I think that sentance had an issue in the double negative area of things. Whatev. Okay, here is the deal, I have been loving my life lately. I, in the last few days, have had a large revelation of just how grounded I am. I have been talking about God with everyone lately(everyone being several people of all different ages)...and it starts off with them saying that God does not exist...by the end of the conversation they ALWAYS end up saying...well...yeah...I have always believed in God I guess.

I have never burned the church as a body...the people...the real temple...but I have mentioned all the flaws with church....the system, the building, the laws...and the second you back off and admit that people have tampered with something they had no right too, the people I talk too just seem to open right up. They admit that the church...the system...has really burned them, and is the reason they don't believe in God. When I mention that God is all about relationship, and love, and he lives in us...not in the clouds...their entire faces change...you can tell it is sinking in. I love it. I know that they will probably not change thier lives right away...or go through some dramatic transformation in the near future...but I, or rather God, planted a seed. So it is all good. I just feel like there may be some hope for parts of this world still...which is a good feeling.

Debbi told me yesterday...prophetically...that there is a deep sadness in me that I will never get rid of. I have this deep understanding of the world, and how lost it is, and dead it is...
I know it sounds kind of weird...just bear with me. she said it was a gift from God, any gift from God is meant to draw you closer to him...and my sadness would leave me clinging to God, because he is life, and he gives joy to the brokenhearted. I think that is awesome. And I feel like she has put into words something I have tried to figure out for years.

My favourite new little friends are these three boys (10, 11, and 14) that visit me at work every time I close. They help me sweep the floors and clean the tables and the bathrooms. They are the sweetest things, and I sometimes give them pop or cookies or my free sub. The one kid, the eldest, was rejected by his dad, who bought him an apartment of his own so he would not have to deal with him. I was SO sad for him. He is the one who visits me all the time at work. The other two join him sometimes. He called me mom yesterday cuz I told him he HAD to go to school, and bring me back a note tonight proving he actually went. He is a good kid, I would much rather him hanging out with me than doing only God knows what with his friends. I have so much compassion for kids who have shatty parents. There are SO many of them up here, it seriously makes me sick.

Well, I am going to go now. So have a pleasant today, and a wonderful tomorrow. Love ya.

it wasn't me

2005-09-06T18:58:00.000-02:30

Have you ever had a conversation with someone which dramatically impacted thier lives, only to discover that you can't take credit for whatever help you have given at all. The words were not yours. Let's face it. This happens FAR more often than we think. 'WOW! You are SO wise!' or even 'You are really deep!' are no longer phrases that I can personally take as a compliment. I realised that whenever I am placed in a situation with another human facing some sort of dilema, I listen, and then, in most cases, I open my mouth...and words come out. I can't describe where they come from, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt...it is NOT from my brain. I understand now that any knowledge that I have shared from experience, or even wisdom that I have felt prophetically (or whatever you want to call it) is ALL from God. Even the situations that I have been through that have led me to certian conclusions...whether God willed it or not, He has used it...and spoken through it. Solomon asked God for wisdom, which leads me to believe that ALL wisdom is Gods. Whatever tid bits He has lent us, they are still His. I am not sure if this is making sense, I just want to make sure I am giving credid where credit is due. I am sick and tired of us humans looking for some sort of acknowledgement or applause from others, in order to feel...better. Better than other humans. Why do we try to complicate the simplest things, like life. We were created to love God, and to love eachother. Why have we turned the world into this huge...system...of systems. And we are constantly looking for something to do that will make us happy. Is it not plainly obvious to everyone that the only thing that will make us fufilled and content with ourselves is accepting that we are loved unconditionally. Think about it. If we truely believed that there is NOTHING we can do to be loved more than we already are...and no person, job, or status will ever satisfy as much as God, how much better off would we be.

Let me know your thoughts.
I have to clean the kitchen.

Peace

it looses the affect when they sing in spanish...

2005-08-25T23:45:00.000-02:30

10:23:14

Dallas is drinking a bottle of 1/2 calorie snapple. Nectarine white tea to be precise. Laura says she is comming to the school of ministry. You spelled coming wrong. You spelled spelled wrong. What the ? What the fffff? Fudge. snicker snicker. I didn't snicker. snicker snicker. What the ?

Well when are we going to see The Office. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. I started an underground house church movement led by Irene Slade of the third Hamilton devision. Yes. Irene can't make it out. Can't make it all to often. snicker snicker. Can't make it at all actually. boyish laughter. Look at mr. blondie here. I am hot eh? Hot stuff. Am I hot Bethany...oh shoot. Oh my gosh, the heat...woooh. I was thinking, the girls won't be able to keep their hands off me at the school. I am going to grow a mullet. We will grow mullets together in unison. I want to grow hair like Irene. I want to lose hair like Gord. Oh don't even go there. Did you hear John got his ears cut. His hairs. Dude that is so retarded. Yeeeaaahhh. Oh...Marina. I am going to marry an American girl. Amrica. snicker snicker. okay, snicker is a chocolate bar, not a laughter sounds. Sean, whatever I can do let me know. I feel so bad. I am not getting paid, so...

I said well hey! Over Lords..haha. Meeting after meeting, for years did they meet. Man I feel stoned. I feel so out of it. One fifth of my country blah blah blah. None of it, shake your borialis. Spelled it wrong. All the Inuits say gota gotabota mota gobta gota. That is the best part. Sean, I can help. How is the training going? I love Jason, he will do good once he gets the hang of it. Once you start talking about evangelism he loses it, he is gone. It is okay though...ah damn. Sean, you know who you remind me of when you were walking down the thing...DILBERT...if you were wearing a red tie, and a white shirt...AH MAN. So we will be friends in the school of ministry okay. Okay, I will do it every day, for worship. I heard some hershey squirts going on. Hershey...H E R S H E Y..hey, you are leaving out false information. Is Beck going to read it now? I lost you again Sean.

10:36:17

back to the drawing board

2005-08-13T21:08:00.000-02:30

I was thinking about marriage today. I have decided, until further evidence comes my way, that marriage is completly in our hands, much like our destiny. Sure! God may offer us some suggestions (not unlike a prophetic word) but ultimatly, we have free will.

A friend once asked me if I thought there was only one person 'out there' for everybody. In my head, I thought, 'well, that depends on how big you think God is; how involved do you really believe he is in our lives.' I just answered no.

It became a bitter nagging at the back of my mind. How much DOES God care, is he going to bring along my husband, and POOF, we are in love?! Paul even suggests that we never marry, due to it's endless need for attention, a potential distraction from God. Debbi says that marriage is one of the most selfish things on the planet (although I believe the opposite).

I guess it is just one of those things. When I get to heaven, I will just walk straight up to God and ask him..."Lord, did you really mean for me to betroth ___________________(to be announced)?
I guess the past few months have been trying for me. I have been surrounded by people at work and at home who's marriages have failed, or, even worse, have fallen into some sort of a hateful silence. Have I mentioned that silence in a marriage is one of my biggest fears? There is NO WAY that we can fully know another person, so there is no excuse to pretend that there is nothing another person can say to interest you...you married them; and hopefully it was for more than their bootylicious ass. Don't get me wrong, silence is a need...but eternal silence, neverending mind wars, looking all over the room to avoid eye contact...that is my hell! My parents are doing the best they can for some couples, but I know a lot of them will go home, and fall back into their depressing habits. I guess I am just losing hope in the area of relationships.

I know in my heart of hearts that I will be SO happy, and in love with a male...some male...out there. But when? When I am thin...sigh...it was my first thought. It is not just a world standard. It is a guy standard...

UNGODLY BELIEF 101 - book me
Bethany Critchley
Penetanguishene Ontario

Can anybody say Pity Party. Don't worry, you are not invited.

Subject change-
I have not sung for over a year. It is killing me. I may not be the best singer in the world, but it makes me happy. It is like having a paint brush violently riped out of the hands of a painter, or the scissors out of the grip of a hairdresser, or a little red fire truck kicked accross the floor so hard that the ladders goes flying off the top of it. And I am little Jonny, trying his best not to cry about something so pathetic...it was pathetic Jonny, but it made you happy. So go grab your daddy's super glue, and glue that ladder back on! And you play, you play until you just can't play any more!

I really want to sing.

Well, I think it is time for me to go to bed. I have a very long, and emotionally tiring day tomorrow.

There is a love
B

Lights will guide you home...

2005-08-12T19:07:00.000-02:30

these are the lyrics of my new favourite song. I love it, it makes me SO happy every time I hear it! It is definatly a coldplay song, and if you want to know what song it is exactly, then go ahead and buy the cd...figure it out yo. Seriously, buy the cd, it rocks. It really really really rocks.

I, for the past two weeks, have been undergoing a certian 'bowel cleansing'. Yes! I have to drink this really nasty fiber stuff, but if you mix it with molassas it tastes like cream of wheat. I am SO tired. Just got off a super long shift at work. I am not lying to you, no I am not.

Blossom has fleas. Ew. She is wearing a flea collar at this moment, but the continueous bitting suggests it is not helping. Is it just me, or is my spelling SUPER bad today?! You are right, it is not...not just today.

I have decided officially that God must want me to be overweight FOREVER! For the past month, two weeks hardcore, I have been eating SO well. I mean, the only carbs I eat are from fruits and veggies...I eat small portions, I don't drink coffee or tea or hot chocolate, or juice. I drink SOOOOOO much water, I run on the tredmill every other day...that is right...I run. I stand on my feet all freaking day at work...and now...a month into it...

Gained five pounds.

HELLO!? Is this not weird to anyone but me. Debbi, my friend from work, said yesterday out of nowhere that I am not meant to live by the standards of the world. She said exactly 'Bethany, you were never meant to go by the standards of the world...skinny is a world standard. Just as God what his standard for health is! It hit me, my heart goal was to be skinny, not healthy. I repented...I used to always say I could be overweight for the rest of my life if I could just be healthy...I feel way better than I used to...but...it all goes to shit when your pants get tighter. I honestly hate this. I just want to do my part in taking up less freaking space on the planet we are obligated to live on. Is that a crime?

HEAVEN! I long for it. I have been homesick for it for a couple days. I am getting into this semi-depressing thoght pattern of the meaninglessness of earth...and our lives on it. I want to be close to God...rather...closer to God. I guess it is from my lack of a 'social' life. I have a lot of people around me, but I realized recently, I don't 'need' them. I am content. I am content with God alone...and that is a good place to be.

Okay, my dog has RANCID gas, I have to leave the room instantly.

time is of the essence?

2005-07-23T22:21:00.000-02:30

It has been a long time, that is for sure. A lot has been going on in my life. A lot, and at the same time...nothing. I have been learning so much about, well, stuff (sorry to be brief, but there is no other word to describe it!). I have been challanged big time as a Christian, and I think, for the first time, I understand slightly what it means to be persecuted for my faith. A huge chunk of the stuff I have gone through is far too personal to write on an internet journal, but I will share with you a slight revelation I have recently been privy to.

Sin = Self

It is that simple. I have heard it said before that sin is putting yourself on the throne of your life. Now, I believe it. Don't get me wrong, there is an enemy out there that HATES us, and thrives on bringing us pain and suffering...but we have free will...that is what the enemy relies on.

ANYTHING, and I mean, ANYTHING that we strive to do in order to bring pleasure to ourselves, or to somehow satisfy some sort of urge is putting ourselves before God. When we get saved, we accept Christ as our Lord, and we choose to follow him, the sad thing is that most Christians never make it to Calvary. Haha...it sounds so ridiculous. Even the diciples fled when it came to the crucifixion. When we are truely devoted and in love, and mature in God, we decide to crucify ourselves WITH Christ. We don't crucify ourselves along side Jesus, in order to somehow make a big name for ourselves as a Christ-follower. We are one with Him. Sigh...there is just so much to say about it...so many branches that this leads too, but I just don't have the emotional or physical energy to go into it.

All in all this showed me that my striving to get as close to God as possible by following formulas came to a crashing holt when I realized that 'I' am nothing, and 'I' am totally incapable of reaching any goals that 'I' have set for 'myself'. I trust God, I truely do. I know that Jesus in me, and God are one...and so I am one with Him.

Ahhhh...complete peace. No more striving, no more struggles to feel satisfied...just peace.

Work has been hard, Relationships have been hard, and Finances have been hard. But, A-it is just a season and B- in the grand scheme of things, my problems are nothing.

I am doing good. I feel grounded. I miss the ease of the last two years, but this is great for me. I really miss my friends, and I am SO deeply sorry for not staying in touch with people. I have been working 12-16 hour days six days a week...so I am pooped most of the time. I hate excusses, and that is one of the worst ones. I always said that work would always come second to friendships...inner vow...break it off.

Until next time...rest assured....there is a deep love in my heart for most of you reading this.

and there is always a degree of love in my heart for everyone!

the diary of a subway employee

2005-06-25T19:44:00.000-02:30

6:00 pm

Oh my goodness, I have had the most crazy exausting day. First I run off to work (lie number 1: I did not run, I drove) at 7:00 in the morning to get a half hour head start on all of the bread making. Rest, peace, refreshment from the heck of a day before WAS NOT THERE. I was a tired mess, so I figured I might be a little slower, hence the leaving early.

All feelings of 'wow i am really on top of this day (as if a person can ever realistically 'be on top of a day')' come to a crashing holt when my lazy tired eyes spy Edna's car.

Edna, the bain of subway, and hence, the bain of my existance. A fiftysomething year old power-tripping employer who HATES her job and everything that has to do with it...like me!

Put a smile on, put a really big smile on, deep breath, and walk in the door.

Small chit chat with the boss, go over list in head of work to do, fix hair net...definatly fix hair net.
Okay, so everytime I have a weekend open with Edna I count the minutes until she decides to go home. No matter what she says I nod my head in agreement. Did I really hear what she was saying? Nope. Nor do I begin to care. I put the meat and veggies out front, heat the meatballs, make the bread, make some coffee, and nod.

Two guys walk in and order some subs. One of them was allergic to onions. He obviously thought he was attractive, and had he not thought that, perhaps he would have been. He asked me to 'please not put any onions on his sub or he might die' then he asked me how I would feel about it. Honesty is the key! I told him 'Meh! I might lose my job, and that would suck.' He was SO taken a back. WHAT? You are female, and you are not biting my flirtatous bait. Wha...What did I do wrong?

Finally 10:00 rolls around, and Tabitha, a happy eighteen year old co-worker, struts her stuff into the back. One sight of Edna turned that smile right upside down. She cringed, I laughed, Edna looked at me and freaked right out of town. TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN TABITHA (Edna does not know my name, and has confused me for Tab ever since I went back. SO yes, she freaked out at me)

Edna leaves, large sigh of relief. Throw out Edna's prep list, and remake.

10:30 rolls around and Gregg walks in. Late as always. Frown as always. Quiet as always. Tab and I are quite the combination when it comes to working with a quiet frowning late person. Sang him some songs, threw some meat, permitted him to smoke...and he was cheery in no time at all. Basically it was busy from eleven till' two. I was on cash, I should NEVER be on cash, but I was on cash. Miraculously, I did a supreme job.

OMG-the party subs. Scramble to make two six foot party subs in middle of crazy line up. Ahhhh, success.

Debbi walks in, dishes are not done, soups are not pulled, bread list is not made, and Gregg and I are standing at the front door talking. I am sure it did not look all that good, but...blah.

Three o'clock, GO HOME, read book, sleeeeeeeep. 9.5 hours tomorrow...sigh.

***Bethany is a wonderful employee, who works very very hard. This little window into a day in the life of her is not to show how bitter she is about the job, it is just a safe way to vent this particular crazy day at work. Customers, and employees alike love Bethany...and you should too!***

do the Q-Tip, and throw it away!

2005-06-20T15:44:00.000-02:30

Yesterday, an overdeveloped, tortured chicken, was killed prematurly.
Why?
For our sick human consumption!
I have made a decision, only SICK HYPOCRITICAL HUMANISTIC IGNORANT SOB'S eat at KFC.
(I do appologize to any SHHISOB's reading this RIGHT now)

For today, I have decided to not eat anything 'preserved' or 'packaged' or 'machanicaly seperated'!
Hopefully I will stick to it, I actually feel sick even thinking about those poor chickens. You can feel that way too...by visiting Kentucky Fried Cruelty dot com.

My father is giving me a keyboard lesson today. I am quite the excited munchkin today. What did YOU do for fathers day? I wrote my dad a song, but I got stuck for a second verse, and it...well to be truthful it SUCKED. I am not just saying that because I am insecure or anything, it genuinly blowed! (is that rude?)

I had a bizzare dream last night. It involved one of my best friends kissing random guys from youth net for money. I saw her, and I flipped out big time. I mean, I really flipped out. When I woke up I realized that it is totally about me. I work at Subway again, and if you have been a faithful blog reader since the beginning then maybe you know what I am saying. All I am saying is...Lord give me strength. Haha...if you don't know what I am talking about, then this looks really bad and funny...haha.

yes, Beck mentioned on a comment from my last post...I forgot to mention that when I got back from the wedding, Don't eat at KFC, I walked into Becks house, and Hannah was standing at the front door. I was SOOOOOOOOO confused. It became clear to me that she could not find a ride home. Oh well, I heard she had a joyous time anyway.

I watched Hitch yesterday. I had seen it before, and I may see it again. It is not THAT funny, but it has it's moments. I do enjoy it! He is pretty darn smooth, but my problem is...it is just not realistic. It kind of had a Gilmore Girls ellement to it.

Shat...I must go and dump out the dehumidifier bucket.

what time is it...

2005-06-12T13:57:00.000-02:30

It's...

COFFEE TIME! sick. I hate it. So much. Nobody can properly describe my absolute destest as much as my bestesess.

2. Bethany Ventrua says..."Well, Bethany hates lots of things. She's what the 'in crowd' would call a 'hater'. She detests only one thing more than coffee time. This one thing has the potential to ruin her life if consumed in large quantities. Rotten, curdling, sour milk. Now, if we were to mix that milk into the coffees at coffee time I don't know what would happen. There would be epic hatred. We would see her unleash the fury that has been bottled up for years upon years.
BUT in all of this we must remember the silver lining. At least we're not growing coffee beans out of our elbows like some unfortunate souls in the Sahara.
Thanks for listening to my friend and reading her blog. She changed my life. I'm no longer addicted to Coffee Time or to sour milk.

1. Rebecca Elizabeth Poulsen says..."Well, if there was anything in this world that you cannot even allow to enter into your mind or else you will need to be locked up with all the nice people and their white coats and padded walls....times that by 10,000 and you will have a slight idea about how much Bethany hates to allow this thought of the CT into her thought process whatsoever!! WOW...there is a disgust in there...and a run-on-sentence too....but you may have to look closely to find it...NOPE!!! it is clear...as clear as the moon that hovers over the park i love to sit in near my house...Bethany says it's only supposed to be a little coment!! OOPS!!!

B. Ben Poulsen says... "Can I just say, 'Wherever there's a Coffee Time, there's a Coffee Crime!' and, 'Would somebody PLEASE think of the CHILDREN!'"

and...there you go (weird greekish accent)!

So! It MUST be clear to y'all by now how much I hate the coffee of the coffee time. The other thing is that I am at church right now. They are engrossed in worship, Your Love is Extravagent to be particular. I remember that song. Some people would reffer to it as 'my song'. I played it quite the abundant amount.

Let me tell you of the wedding I went to yesterday...oh...a day of splendid events.

It all started at 11:00 am when I had to get up and beautify myself. I had to be out the door at 12:30. Lets change up the format a bit.

The way it should have gone:

11:00- get ready
12:45- pick up sean malone
1:45- arrive at wedding
10:30- drop off sean malone
11:00- meet beck at church and go home

The way it went:

11:00- get ready
12:30- trip to the mall
1:15- pick up sean malone
1:25- discover hamilton is NOT on the way to Aberfoyle mills, and leave Hannah Slade stranded at the church :(
- call friend I was supposed to pick up, and discover she has already left.
2:15- arrive at wedding, just in time to walk down the isle immediatly AFTER the bride and her father.
6:30- spill MASS amounts of pasta sauce on new expensive shirt.
8:30- catch bouquet, and sigh at lack of male counterpart.
9:30- Tim Horton
10:00- stuck because the 401 was closed
11:15- arrive in Milton, call becks house, she left
12:00- drop off sean malone
12:35- arrive home
5:00- sleep

come what may!

2005-06-02T19:55:00.000-02:30

Yip! Yup! Yap!

It has been a VERY emotionally challanging couple of weeks. I think it may all be the sickness/pms/moving! I realized most of my issues with the whole friend department came up after Will. That really threw me off. I felt bad even thinking that I needed someone to talk to about it, because he was not my closest friend or anything. I felt selfish, so I bottled it up, and the result was not pleasant. I think I need a 'Confront me if I don't ask for help' sign!

By the happenings, I have decided to quit my job at IGA deli department, and go back to the bain of my existance....which is now the joy of my living! That is right, I am going back to Subway people! I have been offered a great position...they love me there! I was not liking the sketchy girl talk going on at the deli anyhow! Sick girls, I just don't understand non-christian people AT ALL!

Like I said, things have been very emotional for me! I went out and rented...drum roll please....three dvds of The OC, and watched them all in two days. It is not my record or anything, but I cried during every episode. It was so intense, it felt like I was right there with them. It is pretty sad. Sometimes I think I am going insane, but then I realize it happens to a lot of people. Now the season is over, and I have NOTHING to hope for anymore. It left me on a cliff hanger, and I will never find out what happens until like next year. It is super frustrating. Okay, I am obsessed, but only a little!

Instead of paying rent here, I make dinner and clean it up. It is quite a feat for a family of five....the CRITCHLEY family of five...and a dog. I am quite impressed with myself though. Here is what I have made so far:

Mon: Creamy Asparagus and Ham Sauce (it is SO good...better than it sounds!)
Rice
Salad
Pink Lemonade
Cucumber sticks
Banana bread

Tues: BBQ Chicken Breast, Salmon
Macaronni Salad
Fruit Salad, with whipped dressing

Wed: Spagetti and Tomato Veggie Sauce (SOOOOOO good!)
fresh parm cheese
fruit

Thurs: BBQ Curried Chicken
Roasted Potatoes
Caeser Salad
Ice cream

Alright, it was totally delish, and I made everything from scratch! No short cuts here friends. Except with the Ice cream! oh yeah, NEVER...and I mean, NEVER see 'Are we there yet?' with Ice Cube. It is the stupidest movie ever. I walked out, and if you know me at all, you know that I do not walk out of movies! We rented it, and I just could not indure it at all!

Okay, I have to go now, I have blabbed for long enough!

Bye friends...:p

friends are friends forever?

2005-05-25T17:25:00.000-02:30

My mom once told me that friendship is always a season. The older I get, the more I believe her. I am extremely relational; once I meet someone who I feel deserves my friendship, I am willing to carry it. Friendship is a two way street most of the time. If one of you is a little extra needy for a while, that is totally allowed, a good mate should always be there for someone they care about. My question is, what happens when one or both parties just get lazy? Is there really any other excuse for two good friends to just stop talking. Or maybe it is because one of the parties holds a grudge. Honesty, without it, was there any 'real' friendship in the first place.

I guess it is pretty clear that I am having some friend issues. It seems I am losing friends left right and centre! Most of them are because I have just gotten lazy. I have two very good friends that I have actually tried, as much as a person should, to keep in contact with. It is almost painful to think that perhaps they have gotten bored with me. I know I am not a fully healed woman, so it may be my issues talking...but still, what is their excuse? It is just a little sad, that is all. I keep wondering what some of my old friends must have felt when I decided it was not worth my time. It must have hurt them like crazy. Freedom is a great thing, until you realize other people have it too. (it is still great!)

Kansas City was pretty good. It was very similar to TACF in annointing...

The road trip was exausting, it was MUCH longer than mapquest said it would be! It was 20hrs there and 24hrs home. We kept getting held up in traffic going home. Beck and I both got VERY sick on the way down, and it lasted until...well..I am still getting over it!

I moved home, I am not sure I have told many people. I am sick of all the moving I do, but this was a final decision. I am commited to being here for six months, then I am moving to North Carolina. That is one thing I learned in the states...I truely love it there. I definatly want to live there for a while.

I have nothing else to say.

oh weary heart

2005-05-21T05:15:00.000-02:30

Well, I am home now. I arrived this afternoon, after a 24 hour straight drive. It was pretty sick, I felt like I was in a moving vehicle for hours after the return.

I will post about my trip in a few days. This post is to acknowledge Will.

I wish I could say that I came home to the very sad news that a great friend of mine had passed away...but instead I have to say...an old friend passed away.

Will was a great guy. I really wish I got to know him better, and somehow, spent more time with him. I was good friends with his sisters a while back, and I really admired his leadership. I never even knew he was sick. I don't understand why God takes people away. Will had dreams...he loved God, and was just an all around amazing person. I think most people would agree in me saying 'it was not his time'. But it was. I am so confused. God was the only thing in control of it...and He decided it was time. Why?

Will will be missed and remembered by many. I am left with the thought of how this would feel if I knew him just a little bit better. One of my greatest friends knew him really well (I am pretty sure they were best friends). I wonder how he feels? I wish I could bring Will back, but it is abundantly clear to the world that I can't. I have cried about it, more for the pain my really close friends are going through.

Will, I wish I took the time to know you better.
Friends, I wish I could relate to/ease your pain.
God, I don't understand...he didn't want to die.

I don't know what to write any more.

i'm a princess

2005-05-14T19:57:00.000-02:30

Okay everyone. I took the test. And you all should too!! I think it is just too accurate to ignore. Guys, you could learn a lot about yourselves! This is a golden opportunity!

You Are Cinderella!

Dignified and hard working. With a gentle and soft-spoken manner you have something many people don't. Patience. Even through the moments of heartbreak you're still able to hold onto all of your hopes and dreams. Bide your time; you're dream will come true.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

also...check this out. I laughed...I thought it was funny. Then I realized...how sad it was I took the test in the first place...tear.

oh so emo

Who should your boyfriend be like?

and the last one...

M&M

Your M&Ms! Your random, fun, and spontaneous. Everyone loves you one way or another- peanut, plain, crunchy, peanutbutter. You are a positive person and don't worry about your losses much.

Well, I think it may be true. True enough anyhow. Okay...I am off to sleep. That rave last night really drained me straight out and away!

I will be gone for a week...however, we shall converse lay-ta. I definatly have some interesting stories for y'all.

peace

the many wonders of me

2005-05-11T00:58:00.000-02:30

listen to this for a wonderful musical experience...~...~...

In other news, I am happy. I am at home right now. On saturday I will be on my way to Kansas City. I am pretty damn excited. I will be going to the IHOP with Beck. She wants to go to school there potentially, and so she is checking it out. I am just a tag along :)

I have said it before, and I will say it again, blogging on a mac is NO GOOD! There are NO options available for me to better my work at all. What you see before you now is RAW talent. Yep. No spell check, no bold italic or insert link option. I am just a genius.

Okay, I am going to bed now, I know this was not long...but deal with it.

AND EAT SOME COOKIES FOR GOODNESS SAKES!