feelings on a sleeve

i miss you

2006-06-27T15:29:00.000-02:30

I miss my blog so much. I decided to post another brief line or two about my current state. I am happy. I am working. I have good friends who challenge me again. This is wonderful. I just hope this does not become the next place I have to 'get over' when I leave. I hope you all are doing swimmingly. I am off to work again. Remember, if you want to catch me, check out myspace.

BYE.

just keeping on top of the ball

2006-04-11T01:23:00.000-02:30

Hey. I have really slacked at this whole blog thing. Ah well. If you really want to keep up with what is going on in my life, check out my journal on myspace. it's www.myspace.com/betha_boo.

My life has been pretty crazy. It has been a really rough year so far. I know that it will probably get a little bit rougher before it gets better, but that is okay. The reward will be wonderful.

I hope you all are doing well. Let me know what's up...I really do care.

Talk to you soon.

woah

2006-02-16T15:48:00.000-03:30

well...i moved to toronto last month...and now i am moving somewhere else. i am pretty stressed about it, but it was due time for a post.
i know this was a short one, but whatev.
i am doing fine, and have a job that i enjoy, and i will soon get my pay check. i have a butt load of people that love me, including god. i have been spending a lot of time with the big guy, it has been a big need. basically i have 200 dollars for rent, and the cheapest you find a place in toronto is like 450, so i am pretty stuck. uh oh. oh well. life, lessons, and such.
i am going to go now. i will update sometime. thanks for reading.
peace. (please)
bethany

Rand McNally

2006-01-09T22:01:00.000-03:30

WARNING: What you are about to read is depressing, and slightly dramatic. Please understand that this is a roller coaster ride you may not wish to get on, seeing as the turns are unpredictable and the hills may appear larger than they actually are. I thank you for any support that you wish to extend, but be aware that the way I am feeling today, will likely NOT be the way I feel tomorrow. Thanks.

This morning I woke up at 3:44 in the afternoon. Yes, I slept in. That is not a problem, right? Well, consider this: I have been sleeping in until at least 2:27 in the afternoon every day since the day after the day after new years. That was not a typo. They say that sleeping too much is a sign of depression. I feel like a hobo. Let's see...

A Hobo is generally:

-unemployed
-depressed
-has no money
-no friends
-dirty
-lazy
-unless they are insane, they don't have much of a spiritual side

Me:
-unemployed
-no money (wait...I do have 700 dollars in my bank account! Hold that up to the 9500 dollar debt from my car...and I am 8800 in the hole!!)
-signs of depression (bad attitude, draw to alcohol, sleeps a lot, writes dark poetry)
-lack of meaningful friendships (basically I am just lazy with my friends. I could care less if I see them or not ATM...except for a select two)
-I had two showers last week. Compare that to the shower every day I had two months ago...and that is one stinky situation!
-lazy...hmmm...well...i will get to that in a minute.
-God and me...let's just say...we are not in any sort of honey moon stage. We have not broken up or anything, but the silent treatment is really wearing thin.

I have two goals this year. Lose weight, make money.

If you have read some of my past posts, you can slightly understand that I HATE being materialistic. I hate living for the world. I have been pushed into spending this year doing the two things that make this world pathetic!!!

The weight thing is ok. I mean, temple of the H.S and what not. But after Christmas, I am pretty much back where I started. That means that I spent two months losing 8 inches, eating CRAP and working my ASS off...literally...and I gained it ALL back plus interest...in FIVE DAYS. So if I were to lose all the weight I want to lose, I could potentially gain it back in no time at all?!?!!?! That is no fair deal my friends. No fair deal at all!!!

I hate money.

Basically I woke up this morning and decided to be depressed. I decided to fight for my rights with the parentals and lost. I decided to ignore the slight push I felt to go to my room, shut the door, and listen to God. I decided to leave my dishes on the counter to piss off my mother. I decided to sit down and write about my depressing lifestyle on this blog.

The bottom line is, my mother was right. I am wasting away up here. I am makeing a bunch of choices that are breaking my life. It is not the area I am living in, it is the attitude mostly. Grrr...I hate when parents are right. I hate it when anyone but me is right. I think I just need some Jesus. Badly. Really badly.

Also, I need some job and future career ideas. I need a job that changes all the time, and where I can use a bunch of my talents. I love people, I love art, I love administration, I love cooking, I love event planning, I love writting, I love lots of stuff that I am not credited to do...hmmm...

now I am babbleing.

I will post when there is some dramatic news, or an intense mood change.

Don't worry about me, and I won't worry about me.
whatever that means.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back.
Bethany Dawn

baby it's cold outside...

2005-12-24T23:34:00.000-03:30

It seems Christmas is upon us. It is the time of laughing and sharing between family and friends. Not for me it would seem. I have spent the last two nights striving for a time, any time, to have a nice evening with my family as a whole. Mom, Dad, Noah and Elijah, and myself...play a few games, watch a movie...anything that involved a happy time.
Everything started out fine, sure! Until Noah ran downstairs to play his stupid X-box, which, dare I say, he loves more than us! Did I mention that he was borderline...scratch that...he was drunk! Then there was me, yeah, that is right, I had a part in the disaster. I had to open my mouth and start freaking out at my brother and parents for their lack of caring about such a special event. It ended with my mom almost crying, my dad retreating, and me screaming into a pillow. Good ole Elijah kept his cool the entire time.
I guess no family is perfect, and I would not trade mine in for the world.
I am just tired of asking for happy memories.
Merry Christmas to everyone...and don't worry, mine could still turn for the best :)

can't hear the music

2005-12-15T14:39:00.000-03:30

I am in my house. I am typing on the keyboard. I am listening to the quiet ruffles of my dog on the chesterfeild. I am alone. I am not alone. I am sitting on the floor. I am looking at the television. I am watching a blank screen. It is not blank. I am hungry. I am still. I am Canadian?

My brain is SO mushy right now. I am the only one in my house. It has not been this quiet in days. My mother will be home soon with some wonderful snacks. Mmm...veggies. Did I convince you? I sure don't like them, but it seems to be all I can eat. I am so hungry for bread, or chocolate, or chips. I am experiencing some intense withdrawl. No! Not just from food, but from a life. I have been doing nothing for days. I visited T-dot...niiice...but that was it. I need a job. I need a job badly. I can move anywhere, I could be in Scottland tomorrow for all I know. I literally can do anything. I am very gifted young lady, but it does not help to know that.

Sometimes I wish that i could only do one thing. It would make my life far easier. It would be the THING that I do, the THING that I am good at. But NoooOOOooo I have to be good at everything. I find it impossible to narrow down. Not only am I good at everything, but I like to do everything as well. Okay, granted, there is a slight exaggeration in my tone. I can't do EVERYTHING... but I sure can do a lot. I am a quick learner, and my brain learns in many different ways. I pick stuff up by watching, listening, doing, and guessing! I am pretty sure there are a lot of people out there like me...and I am sure it sucks for them as much as it sucks for myself.

So you...you tell me what to do. I can't make a decision. I can go anywhere, and do anything...so WHAT!?? What do I do? BLAH!

Does this count as my quarter life crisis?

Also, and on top of that, and so on and so forth...I wish I could marry a man like William Wallace. I watched Braveheart yesterday, and granted, he needed a hair cut and a shower or two...but his passion was inspiring. That is what I want...a guy who is passionately inspiring!

But I don't want him to go to war. Even if someone were to slit my throat and attempt to have their way with me. War sucks. Peace and forgiveness...

Hmmm...maybe not.
We shall see.

I wrote this in less than five minutes, can anyone tell?!?!?!?!?! I suuuuuuuure can.

i knit a scarff

2005-12-03T13:48:00.000-03:30

Out of Wack.

I have considered using that phrase as and explination of how I feel at the moment. Problem is, I just don't know what it literally means. If you ask me, being 'In wack' sounds like a far worse situation. Bah! I just don't understand these old fashioned cliches.

I am still unemployed. Actually, that is not completely true. I have been translating my parents 'youth sexuality book' in to a language that young people can hopefully appreciate. I just don't think that the words 'marriage bed' will grab their attention. In the same way, the words 'peer affiramtion' may make them throw up. It is my responsibility to transform these (and many other) words and phrases into a language that only those under the age of 25 can get away with.

I am getting paid about 300 dollars to do it, and my parents treat it like they are doing ME a favour. I will spend the next three weeks (21 days) spending half the day (7 hours) doing the work. Let's see...that is about (21 times 7 = 147 minus 4 for weekends = 143) 2 dollars an hour!!!!!! Thanks mom and dad. I can truely see how YOU are getting the better end of the deal here.

In my house, there is a drawer. There are many drawers in my house, but this one in particular is THE drawer. Whenever anyone in the house is looking for something (ie, siccors, combs, glue, nail clippers) the first place we search is THE drawer. The funny thing is that the item we are looking for is never, nor was it ever in the drawer to begin with. So WHY do we look in the drawer in the first place?!?

And finally, working out. Okay, losing weight is hard enough as it is (7 pounds so far friends!!), but tredmills are SOOOOOO boring. I had to force Elijah to stand there with an Adrian Plass book (my new favourite book in all the world. I have read two of them in three days!) and read it to me for half an hour while I walk/run/jog/walk/cool down. If I do not have him read to me, I listen to music. Music makes it seem SO much longer. I got through half of a cd and only eleven minutes and thirteen seconds had passed. I almost puked right on the clock. It was dispicable. I hate tredmills. They suck. When I excersise, I like to do things that I feel are 'working'. Crunches, they work.

I miss bread.

Thank you to all of the comments I got on my last post. They were really encouraging. It is a bitter sweet feeling that most people have been through the same things I have expressed...I have also realized that not all dreams will come true. I guess that is a good thing, cuz life would get pretty boring if you woke up one day and realized that you had succeeded in all your dreams and you would have nothing left to live for. So, I shall keep dreaming, reaching for the unreachable star...I just wonder what star it is I am reaching for (I hope it does not turn out to be just another one of those darned satalites again!)

Riiiiiight.

Arivour Amigos.

confessions of a not-so-teenage drama queen

2005-11-27T00:12:00.000-03:30

20. hmm...I expected more to be honest. I remember being 12 and praying for the day I would turn 20. I would be driving, probably married, be a part time actress, part time piolet , have a house of my own, pay bills, drink tea with my mother who I only would see maybe once a month...basically...all my dreams came to be when I turned 20.

I remember telling God when I was seven that he could kill me so that I could be born again when I turned 20 (that was my understanding of giving my 'life to the Lord'). So I am sure you can understand my frustration, and even, ney I say, disappointment that I have or...am...NON of the things that I wanted...expected...dreamed for. Now I look to 30...but will I feel the same when I get there?

I am not complaining, I am just venting (which somehow mean two totally different things!). I have spent the last year of my life being totally complacent. I have not given two craps about the direction my life is going...now, that should not alarm anyone because in my mind I was doing the 'right thing'. I told God that he could take me wherever he wanted...and I would do whatever he asked. Well, turn out he wanted me to feed the hungery, and learn to love my life as a semi-complete loner. I had my family, and I had God...still do in fact...and I can even say that I felt satisfied...even fufilled. The problem: I was not, and am not living my dream...whatever my 'dream' is.

A funny thing happened; it was like before I had been walking up a huge mountian and all I could see was the rock, snow and ice...and when I turned 20, all of a sudden I could see the top of the peak, and and even some of the landmarks to follow. I realized that God has been with me every step of the way, and He always will be. I have to make the choice to run after what I want, and trust that He loves me enough to follow. As much as God wants to push me...He can't...actually...he won't.

That idea was something that was a little hard for me to take. When I was younger (even up to last month) I always had a picture of me going through life on God's hand...like His hand was some sort of magic carpet. I would go wherever He took me. I would then jump off, do the duty, jump back on...and off we went to the next destination. Recently the picture changed...it was me...with a hand covering over top of me...I was totally protected, but it was me that had to move...and the hand would follow me. Interesting hey. Even scary.

All of that to say...I am 20. I am not doing what I dreamed for myself when I was 12. I am not sure what I want in 5 years, heck, I am not even sure what I want tomorrow. But I am going to allow myself to dream, and not fear that I am somehow going to walk away from what God has for me. I have been learning to love myself...and recently decided that I am finally ready to take care of myself...I am not a toy...I am a precious treasure...that needs some touch up work :)

I am going to be alright kids, I know that I don't really fit in to this secular world we are forced to live in...but I am living in eternity right now...and that suits me just fine!! riiight...it made sense to me.

Peace out home dogs.

bethany took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

pretty men sing

2005-10-28T17:29:00.000-02:30

Oh my gosh! This darnded computer will not let me post anymore...grrr...I have had SO much to say...but NO COOKIES! What the heck does that even mean? Computers do not eat, oh no no...and if they do, they certianly do not SHARE! Gosh.

I have been so SUPER busy with work. New owners, new rules, new frustration. Dispite the language barier, and lack of days off, it has not been all that bad actually. I got my ministry, which was wonderful. I feel like a brand new me. Actually, to be honest, I feel quite the same...just betterified. It is my birthday in a couple weeks, woot. I will be 20. It is pretty exciting actually. The last few years have been hard on my birthday, novemeber nineth seems to be a hard day to remember for most people...but I have realized that God knows, God remembers, and he gives me the best presents of all! Seriously, it was a great revelation.

I miss Toronto, there is so much more to do...not that I would have any time to do any of it. I need money. A lot of money. If I won the 54 million, I would use it to pay off bills, debt, car, house, retirement, friends and family stuff...travel...and then give a good 45 million to Pakistan. I mean...oh my gosh, what is with the Canadian/American psyci? We gave so much to New Oreleans, so we have done our good deeds for the year...it is quite sickening. Do you all watch the news? We gave over double...triple...to N.O, and there was only 2% of the damage! Gosh.

I really should not talk, concidering I did not give ANYTHING! haha...no, not funny...seriously gross me out!

I should go...I have work to do. But oh my goodness, I hope I can post something for real soon!

peace out neighbours!

the ramblings

2005-10-08T21:35:00.000-02:30

Hello again dear readers, although you are few and far between (whatever that means) (actually, I know exactly what it means, and I totally meant to say it!) (peeerrrfect!) Okay, moving right along...actually, I totally did NOT finish my first sentence! So let me do that right now...

...few and far between, I cherish y'all, and plan to update you on my present living circumstances.

There. Fini!

Not the post dumb dumb (you are not stupid, it was more endearing than anything), just the first sentence.

Okay, Noah moved home, things have been crazy. SO crazy that I had to cancel my thanksgiving plans, and run away to Toronto for a few days. I am extremely frustrated with the whole situation. The situation in its entirety is extremely frustrating. Amen and amen. My new cars name has been changed yet again. I know I said Morton was the final answer, but to be honest with you, his first name was Cameron, and it has stuck. It is honestly my final answer. Done and done. Wow. This entire entry is confusing to the max.

I am going for counseling in two weeks. I am very nervous about it, but let me tell you, it is HIGH TIME that I got some help. I did not mean anything by the capital 'high' either...seriously!
I feel like I am a canon ball...just ready to explode. Wait a second there missy...canon balls don't explode, they just smash things...right?! hmmm...weird.

I think it is pretty clear that my brain is entirely somewhere else, so I am going to leave you all with a final thought...

If water is liquid, and salt is a solid...what is lettuce??

Thank-you come again. PLEASE!

here we go again...

2005-10-03T02:36:00.000-02:30

For those of you who are unaware (that makes most of you) my brother, Noah, has been gone these two weeks, gracing the land of Alberta with his presence. He joined a YWAM (youth with a mission) base there, where he hoped to journey his way to Thailand. (You may have noticed my use of past-tense...good eye mate) Noah has made some rather delicious decisions in the last month...he gave up some bad habits, and chose to avoid unpleasant company. For the few weeks before his trip accross the country...he made me insane! At home all the time, nintendo in the living room, talk talk talk talk talk about nothing that made any sense to me at all...up at all hours of the night playing his movies loud enough to scare our horses...exaggeration alert...but seriously...it was SO bad. BUT...he left...he went away, and brought the anxiety with him. Something lifted off the house, and it was amazing. Peace. Wonderful, sweet, stress-free peace. Until. It happened. Noah has developed kidney stones and shall be returning home in two days. TWO DAYS. I had two weeks! TWO WEEKS. Shall I never catch a break.

I love him. I just did not miss him. I love him a lot. But he needs to move. He needs to move immediatly.

In other news, I have decided to put to death my childish spending of money that I earn through sweat and tears...and sometimes...blood. Yes. I have given birth to a new, more adult (is that contradictory?) finacial investment. I purchased a vehicle. A new vehicle. Well, it is not NEW, but it is 2002. I think it is very attractive. I would date it in human form. I have named it DEREK. Derek is my baby, and even if everyone else hates him, I shall love him with all the love in my heart. Derek is precious. I am commited to Derek...or at least to his...uhhh...legal guardians?...biological parents?...step parents? I am not sure where that metophor was going...the point is I have to have a stable income for three years...to pay the car off, and pay inssurence for the rest of my LIFE! Did I spell that right...am I spelling any of this right...damn spell check does not work on this computer...so I have to deal with it.

Thanksgiving is a time to share and laugh and love and thank. (this is early, but let's face it, I won't have time to post before or shortly after the date!) I am having a meal for those who I am thankful for, not all of them are going to be able to come, and so...to you...the reader...I extend my thanks. Thanks for being there, thanks for talking to me at some point in my life, thanks for giving me smiles, and even tears...you have all added a spark...a special spark...your all treasures.

Change in tone. Okay. My new bosses start tomorrow...uh oh. It should be a rocking time...and by rocking...I mean subway will be on the rocks. The very high up and jagged ones, the ones that are damaging, life threatening, and you can't get down cuz you are surrounded by angry bears and cougars and wild turkeys. I am pretty worried. Work is going to be a stress. I will make it. Maybe.

Until next time, keep smiling, know that you are loved by at least one person...and he is the greatest person that ever existed or still exists or will exist ever....and he lives in me...and so i can't help but feel the same! I love you all...with the love of the Lord...which is pretty strong...so...yeah.

flat out disgusted!

2005-09-13T13:28:00.000-02:30

No excusses, I have none. I think that sentance had an issue in the double negative area of things. Whatev. Okay, here is the deal, I have been loving my life lately. I, in the last few days, have had a large revelation of just how grounded I am. I have been talking about God with everyone lately(everyone being several people of all different ages)...and it starts off with them saying that God does not exist...by the end of the conversation they ALWAYS end up saying...well...yeah...I have always believed in God I guess.

I have never burned the church as a body...the people...the real temple...but I have mentioned all the flaws with church....the system, the building, the laws...and the second you back off and admit that people have tampered with something they had no right too, the people I talk too just seem to open right up. They admit that the church...the system...has really burned them, and is the reason they don't believe in God. When I mention that God is all about relationship, and love, and he lives in us...not in the clouds...their entire faces change...you can tell it is sinking in. I love it. I know that they will probably not change thier lives right away...or go through some dramatic transformation in the near future...but I, or rather God, planted a seed. So it is all good. I just feel like there may be some hope for parts of this world still...which is a good feeling.

Debbi told me yesterday...prophetically...that there is a deep sadness in me that I will never get rid of. I have this deep understanding of the world, and how lost it is, and dead it is...
I know it sounds kind of weird...just bear with me. she said it was a gift from God, any gift from God is meant to draw you closer to him...and my sadness would leave me clinging to God, because he is life, and he gives joy to the brokenhearted. I think that is awesome. And I feel like she has put into words something I have tried to figure out for years.

My favourite new little friends are these three boys (10, 11, and 14) that visit me at work every time I close. They help me sweep the floors and clean the tables and the bathrooms. They are the sweetest things, and I sometimes give them pop or cookies or my free sub. The one kid, the eldest, was rejected by his dad, who bought him an apartment of his own so he would not have to deal with him. I was SO sad for him. He is the one who visits me all the time at work. The other two join him sometimes. He called me mom yesterday cuz I told him he HAD to go to school, and bring me back a note tonight proving he actually went. He is a good kid, I would much rather him hanging out with me than doing only God knows what with his friends. I have so much compassion for kids who have shatty parents. There are SO many of them up here, it seriously makes me sick.

Well, I am going to go now. So have a pleasant today, and a wonderful tomorrow. Love ya.

it wasn't me

2005-09-06T18:58:00.000-02:30

Have you ever had a conversation with someone which dramatically impacted thier lives, only to discover that you can't take credit for whatever help you have given at all. The words were not yours. Let's face it. This happens FAR more often than we think. 'WOW! You are SO wise!' or even 'You are really deep!' are no longer phrases that I can personally take as a compliment. I realised that whenever I am placed in a situation with another human facing some sort of dilema, I listen, and then, in most cases, I open my mouth...and words come out. I can't describe where they come from, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt...it is NOT from my brain. I understand now that any knowledge that I have shared from experience, or even wisdom that I have felt prophetically (or whatever you want to call it) is ALL from God. Even the situations that I have been through that have led me to certian conclusions...whether God willed it or not, He has used it...and spoken through it. Solomon asked God for wisdom, which leads me to believe that ALL wisdom is Gods. Whatever tid bits He has lent us, they are still His. I am not sure if this is making sense, I just want to make sure I am giving credid where credit is due. I am sick and tired of us humans looking for some sort of acknowledgement or applause from others, in order to feel...better. Better than other humans. Why do we try to complicate the simplest things, like life. We were created to love God, and to love eachother. Why have we turned the world into this huge...system...of systems. And we are constantly looking for something to do that will make us happy. Is it not plainly obvious to everyone that the only thing that will make us fufilled and content with ourselves is accepting that we are loved unconditionally. Think about it. If we truely believed that there is NOTHING we can do to be loved more than we already are...and no person, job, or status will ever satisfy as much as God, how much better off would we be.

Let me know your thoughts.
I have to clean the kitchen.

Peace

it looses the affect when they sing in spanish...

2005-08-25T23:45:00.000-02:30

10:23:14

Dallas is drinking a bottle of 1/2 calorie snapple. Nectarine white tea to be precise. Laura says she is comming to the school of ministry. You spelled coming wrong. You spelled spelled wrong. What the ? What the fffff? Fudge. snicker snicker. I didn't snicker. snicker snicker. What the ?

Well when are we going to see The Office. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. I started an underground house church movement led by Irene Slade of the third Hamilton devision. Yes. Irene can't make it out. Can't make it all to often. snicker snicker. Can't make it at all actually. boyish laughter. Look at mr. blondie here. I am hot eh? Hot stuff. Am I hot Bethany...oh shoot. Oh my gosh, the heat...woooh. I was thinking, the girls won't be able to keep their hands off me at the school. I am going to grow a mullet. We will grow mullets together in unison. I want to grow hair like Irene. I want to lose hair like Gord. Oh don't even go there. Did you hear John got his ears cut. His hairs. Dude that is so retarded. Yeeeaaahhh. Oh...Marina. I am going to marry an American girl. Amrica. snicker snicker. okay, snicker is a chocolate bar, not a laughter sounds. Sean, whatever I can do let me know. I feel so bad. I am not getting paid, so...

I said well hey! Over Lords..haha. Meeting after meeting, for years did they meet. Man I feel stoned. I feel so out of it. One fifth of my country blah blah blah. None of it, shake your borialis. Spelled it wrong. All the Inuits say gota gotabota mota gobta gota. That is the best part. Sean, I can help. How is the training going? I love Jason, he will do good once he gets the hang of it. Once you start talking about evangelism he loses it, he is gone. It is okay though...ah damn. Sean, you know who you remind me of when you were walking down the thing...DILBERT...if you were wearing a red tie, and a white shirt...AH MAN. So we will be friends in the school of ministry okay. Okay, I will do it every day, for worship. I heard some hershey squirts going on. Hershey...H E R S H E Y..hey, you are leaving out false information. Is Beck going to read it now? I lost you again Sean.

10:36:17

back to the drawing board

2005-08-13T21:08:00.000-02:30

I was thinking about marriage today. I have decided, until further evidence comes my way, that marriage is completly in our hands, much like our destiny. Sure! God may offer us some suggestions (not unlike a prophetic word) but ultimatly, we have free will.

A friend once asked me if I thought there was only one person 'out there' for everybody. In my head, I thought, 'well, that depends on how big you think God is; how involved do you really believe he is in our lives.' I just answered no.

It became a bitter nagging at the back of my mind. How much DOES God care, is he going to bring along my husband, and POOF, we are in love?! Paul even suggests that we never marry, due to it's endless need for attention, a potential distraction from God. Debbi says that marriage is one of the most selfish things on the planet (although I believe the opposite).

I guess it is just one of those things. When I get to heaven, I will just walk straight up to God and ask him..."Lord, did you really mean for me to betroth ___________________(to be announced)?
I guess the past few months have been trying for me. I have been surrounded by people at work and at home who's marriages have failed, or, even worse, have fallen into some sort of a hateful silence. Have I mentioned that silence in a marriage is one of my biggest fears? There is NO WAY that we can fully know another person, so there is no excuse to pretend that there is nothing another person can say to interest you...you married them; and hopefully it was for more than their bootylicious ass. Don't get me wrong, silence is a need...but eternal silence, neverending mind wars, looking all over the room to avoid eye contact...that is my hell! My parents are doing the best they can for some couples, but I know a lot of them will go home, and fall back into their depressing habits. I guess I am just losing hope in the area of relationships.

I know in my heart of hearts that I will be SO happy, and in love with a male...some male...out there. But when? When I am thin...sigh...it was my first thought. It is not just a world standard. It is a guy standard...

UNGODLY BELIEF 101 - book me
Bethany Critchley
Penetanguishene Ontario

Can anybody say Pity Party. Don't worry, you are not invited.

Subject change-
I have not sung for over a year. It is killing me. I may not be the best singer in the world, but it makes me happy. It is like having a paint brush violently riped out of the hands of a painter, or the scissors out of the grip of a hairdresser, or a little red fire truck kicked accross the floor so hard that the ladders goes flying off the top of it. And I am little Jonny, trying his best not to cry about something so pathetic...it was pathetic Jonny, but it made you happy. So go grab your daddy's super glue, and glue that ladder back on! And you play, you play until you just can't play any more!

I really want to sing.

Well, I think it is time for me to go to bed. I have a very long, and emotionally tiring day tomorrow.

There is a love
B

Lights will guide you home...

2005-08-12T19:07:00.000-02:30

these are the lyrics of my new favourite song. I love it, it makes me SO happy every time I hear it! It is definatly a coldplay song, and if you want to know what song it is exactly, then go ahead and buy the cd...figure it out yo. Seriously, buy the cd, it rocks. It really really really rocks.

I, for the past two weeks, have been undergoing a certian 'bowel cleansing'. Yes! I have to drink this really nasty fiber stuff, but if you mix it with molassas it tastes like cream of wheat. I am SO tired. Just got off a super long shift at work. I am not lying to you, no I am not.

Blossom has fleas. Ew. She is wearing a flea collar at this moment, but the continueous bitting suggests it is not helping. Is it just me, or is my spelling SUPER bad today?! You are right, it is not...not just today.

I have decided officially that God must want me to be overweight FOREVER! For the past month, two weeks hardcore, I have been eating SO well. I mean, the only carbs I eat are from fruits and veggies...I eat small portions, I don't drink coffee or tea or hot chocolate, or juice. I drink SOOOOOO much water, I run on the tredmill every other day...that is right...I run. I stand on my feet all freaking day at work...and now...a month into it...

Gained five pounds.

HELLO!? Is this not weird to anyone but me. Debbi, my friend from work, said yesterday out of nowhere that I am not meant to live by the standards of the world. She said exactly 'Bethany, you were never meant to go by the standards of the world...skinny is a world standard. Just as God what his standard for health is! It hit me, my heart goal was to be skinny, not healthy. I repented...I used to always say I could be overweight for the rest of my life if I could just be healthy...I feel way better than I used to...but...it all goes to shit when your pants get tighter. I honestly hate this. I just want to do my part in taking up less freaking space on the planet we are obligated to live on. Is that a crime?

HEAVEN! I long for it. I have been homesick for it for a couple days. I am getting into this semi-depressing thoght pattern of the meaninglessness of earth...and our lives on it. I want to be close to God...rather...closer to God. I guess it is from my lack of a 'social' life. I have a lot of people around me, but I realized recently, I don't 'need' them. I am content. I am content with God alone...and that is a good place to be.

Okay, my dog has RANCID gas, I have to leave the room instantly.

time is of the essence?

2005-07-23T22:21:00.000-02:30

It has been a long time, that is for sure. A lot has been going on in my life. A lot, and at the same time...nothing. I have been learning so much about, well, stuff (sorry to be brief, but there is no other word to describe it!). I have been challanged big time as a Christian, and I think, for the first time, I understand slightly what it means to be persecuted for my faith. A huge chunk of the stuff I have gone through is far too personal to write on an internet journal, but I will share with you a slight revelation I have recently been privy to.

Sin = Self

It is that simple. I have heard it said before that sin is putting yourself on the throne of your life. Now, I believe it. Don't get me wrong, there is an enemy out there that HATES us, and thrives on bringing us pain and suffering...but we have free will...that is what the enemy relies on.

ANYTHING, and I mean, ANYTHING that we strive to do in order to bring pleasure to ourselves, or to somehow satisfy some sort of urge is putting ourselves before God. When we get saved, we accept Christ as our Lord, and we choose to follow him, the sad thing is that most Christians never make it to Calvary. Haha...it sounds so ridiculous. Even the diciples fled when it came to the crucifixion. When we are truely devoted and in love, and mature in God, we decide to crucify ourselves WITH Christ. We don't crucify ourselves along side Jesus, in order to somehow make a big name for ourselves as a Christ-follower. We are one with Him. Sigh...there is just so much to say about it...so many branches that this leads too, but I just don't have the emotional or physical energy to go into it.

All in all this showed me that my striving to get as close to God as possible by following formulas came to a crashing holt when I realized that 'I' am nothing, and 'I' am totally incapable of reaching any goals that 'I' have set for 'myself'. I trust God, I truely do. I know that Jesus in me, and God are one...and so I am one with Him.

Ahhhh...complete peace. No more striving, no more struggles to feel satisfied...just peace.

Work has been hard, Relationships have been hard, and Finances have been hard. But, A-it is just a season and B- in the grand scheme of things, my problems are nothing.

I am doing good. I feel grounded. I miss the ease of the last two years, but this is great for me. I really miss my friends, and I am SO deeply sorry for not staying in touch with people. I have been working 12-16 hour days six days a week...so I am pooped most of the time. I hate excusses, and that is one of the worst ones. I always said that work would always come second to friendships...inner vow...break it off.

Until next time...rest assured....there is a deep love in my heart for most of you reading this.

and there is always a degree of love in my heart for everyone!

the diary of a subway employee

2005-06-25T19:44:00.000-02:30

6:00 pm

Oh my goodness, I have had the most crazy exausting day. First I run off to work (lie number 1: I did not run, I drove) at 7:00 in the morning to get a half hour head start on all of the bread making. Rest, peace, refreshment from the heck of a day before WAS NOT THERE. I was a tired mess, so I figured I might be a little slower, hence the leaving early.

All feelings of 'wow i am really on top of this day (as if a person can ever realistically 'be on top of a day')' come to a crashing holt when my lazy tired eyes spy Edna's car.

Edna, the bain of subway, and hence, the bain of my existance. A fiftysomething year old power-tripping employer who HATES her job and everything that has to do with it...like me!

Put a smile on, put a really big smile on, deep breath, and walk in the door.

Small chit chat with the boss, go over list in head of work to do, fix hair net...definatly fix hair net.
Okay, so everytime I have a weekend open with Edna I count the minutes until she decides to go home. No matter what she says I nod my head in agreement. Did I really hear what she was saying? Nope. Nor do I begin to care. I put the meat and veggies out front, heat the meatballs, make the bread, make some coffee, and nod.

Two guys walk in and order some subs. One of them was allergic to onions. He obviously thought he was attractive, and had he not thought that, perhaps he would have been. He asked me to 'please not put any onions on his sub or he might die' then he asked me how I would feel about it. Honesty is the key! I told him 'Meh! I might lose my job, and that would suck.' He was SO taken a back. WHAT? You are female, and you are not biting my flirtatous bait. Wha...What did I do wrong?

Finally 10:00 rolls around, and Tabitha, a happy eighteen year old co-worker, struts her stuff into the back. One sight of Edna turned that smile right upside down. She cringed, I laughed, Edna looked at me and freaked right out of town. TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN TABITHA (Edna does not know my name, and has confused me for Tab ever since I went back. SO yes, she freaked out at me)

Edna leaves, large sigh of relief. Throw out Edna's prep list, and remake.

10:30 rolls around and Gregg walks in. Late as always. Frown as always. Quiet as always. Tab and I are quite the combination when it comes to working with a quiet frowning late person. Sang him some songs, threw some meat, permitted him to smoke...and he was cheery in no time at all. Basically it was busy from eleven till' two. I was on cash, I should NEVER be on cash, but I was on cash. Miraculously, I did a supreme job.

OMG-the party subs. Scramble to make two six foot party subs in middle of crazy line up. Ahhhh, success.

Debbi walks in, dishes are not done, soups are not pulled, bread list is not made, and Gregg and I are standing at the front door talking. I am sure it did not look all that good, but...blah.

Three o'clock, GO HOME, read book, sleeeeeeeep. 9.5 hours tomorrow...sigh.

***Bethany is a wonderful employee, who works very very hard. This little window into a day in the life of her is not to show how bitter she is about the job, it is just a safe way to vent this particular crazy day at work. Customers, and employees alike love Bethany...and you should too!***

do the Q-Tip, and throw it away!

2005-06-20T15:44:00.000-02:30

Yesterday, an overdeveloped, tortured chicken, was killed prematurly.
Why?
For our sick human consumption!
I have made a decision, only SICK HYPOCRITICAL HUMANISTIC IGNORANT SOB'S eat at KFC.
(I do appologize to any SHHISOB's reading this RIGHT now)

For today, I have decided to not eat anything 'preserved' or 'packaged' or 'machanicaly seperated'!
Hopefully I will stick to it, I actually feel sick even thinking about those poor chickens. You can feel that way too...by visiting Kentucky Fried Cruelty dot com.

My father is giving me a keyboard lesson today. I am quite the excited munchkin today. What did YOU do for fathers day? I wrote my dad a song, but I got stuck for a second verse, and it...well to be truthful it SUCKED. I am not just saying that because I am insecure or anything, it genuinly blowed! (is that rude?)

I had a bizzare dream last night. It involved one of my best friends kissing random guys from youth net for money. I saw her, and I flipped out big time. I mean, I really flipped out. When I woke up I realized that it is totally about me. I work at Subway again, and if you have been a faithful blog reader since the beginning then maybe you know what I am saying. All I am saying is...Lord give me strength. Haha...if you don't know what I am talking about, then this looks really bad and funny...haha.

yes, Beck mentioned on a comment from my last post...I forgot to mention that when I got back from the wedding, Don't eat at KFC, I walked into Becks house, and Hannah was standing at the front door. I was SOOOOOOOOO confused. It became clear to me that she could not find a ride home. Oh well, I heard she had a joyous time anyway.

I watched Hitch yesterday. I had seen it before, and I may see it again. It is not THAT funny, but it has it's moments. I do enjoy it! He is pretty darn smooth, but my problem is...it is just not realistic. It kind of had a Gilmore Girls ellement to it.

Shat...I must go and dump out the dehumidifier bucket.

what time is it...

2005-06-12T13:57:00.000-02:30

It's...

COFFEE TIME! sick. I hate it. So much. Nobody can properly describe my absolute destest as much as my bestesess.

2. Bethany Ventrua says..."Well, Bethany hates lots of things. She's what the 'in crowd' would call a 'hater'. She detests only one thing more than coffee time. This one thing has the potential to ruin her life if consumed in large quantities. Rotten, curdling, sour milk. Now, if we were to mix that milk into the coffees at coffee time I don't know what would happen. There would be epic hatred. We would see her unleash the fury that has been bottled up for years upon years.
BUT in all of this we must remember the silver lining. At least we're not growing coffee beans out of our elbows like some unfortunate souls in the Sahara.
Thanks for listening to my friend and reading her blog. She changed my life. I'm no longer addicted to Coffee Time or to sour milk.

1. Rebecca Elizabeth Poulsen says..."Well, if there was anything in this world that you cannot even allow to enter into your mind or else you will need to be locked up with all the nice people and their white coats and padded walls....times that by 10,000 and you will have a slight idea about how much Bethany hates to allow this thought of the CT into her thought process whatsoever!! WOW...there is a disgust in there...and a run-on-sentence too....but you may have to look closely to find it...NOPE!!! it is clear...as clear as the moon that hovers over the park i love to sit in near my house...Bethany says it's only supposed to be a little coment!! OOPS!!!

B. Ben Poulsen says... "Can I just say, 'Wherever there's a Coffee Time, there's a Coffee Crime!' and, 'Would somebody PLEASE think of the CHILDREN!'"

and...there you go (weird greekish accent)!

So! It MUST be clear to y'all by now how much I hate the coffee of the coffee time. The other thing is that I am at church right now. They are engrossed in worship, Your Love is Extravagent to be particular. I remember that song. Some people would reffer to it as 'my song'. I played it quite the abundant amount.

Let me tell you of the wedding I went to yesterday...oh...a day of splendid events.

It all started at 11:00 am when I had to get up and beautify myself. I had to be out the door at 12:30. Lets change up the format a bit.

The way it should have gone:

11:00- get ready
12:45- pick up sean malone
1:45- arrive at wedding
10:30- drop off sean malone
11:00- meet beck at church and go home

The way it went:

11:00- get ready
12:30- trip to the mall
1:15- pick up sean malone
1:25- discover hamilton is NOT on the way to Aberfoyle mills, and leave Hannah Slade stranded at the church :(
- call friend I was supposed to pick up, and discover she has already left.
2:15- arrive at wedding, just in time to walk down the isle immediatly AFTER the bride and her father.
6:30- spill MASS amounts of pasta sauce on new expensive shirt.
8:30- catch bouquet, and sigh at lack of male counterpart.
9:30- Tim Horton
10:00- stuck because the 401 was closed
11:15- arrive in Milton, call becks house, she left
12:00- drop off sean malone
12:35- arrive home
5:00- sleep

come what may!

2005-06-02T19:55:00.000-02:30

Yip! Yup! Yap!

It has been a VERY emotionally challanging couple of weeks. I think it may all be the sickness/pms/moving! I realized most of my issues with the whole friend department came up after Will. That really threw me off. I felt bad even thinking that I needed someone to talk to about it, because he was not my closest friend or anything. I felt selfish, so I bottled it up, and the result was not pleasant. I think I need a 'Confront me if I don't ask for help' sign!

By the happenings, I have decided to quit my job at IGA deli department, and go back to the bain of my existance....which is now the joy of my living! That is right, I am going back to Subway people! I have been offered a great position...they love me there! I was not liking the sketchy girl talk going on at the deli anyhow! Sick girls, I just don't understand non-christian people AT ALL!

Like I said, things have been very emotional for me! I went out and rented...drum roll please....three dvds of The OC, and watched them all in two days. It is not my record or anything, but I cried during every episode. It was so intense, it felt like I was right there with them. It is pretty sad. Sometimes I think I am going insane, but then I realize it happens to a lot of people. Now the season is over, and I have NOTHING to hope for anymore. It left me on a cliff hanger, and I will never find out what happens until like next year. It is super frustrating. Okay, I am obsessed, but only a little!

Instead of paying rent here, I make dinner and clean it up. It is quite a feat for a family of five....the CRITCHLEY family of five...and a dog. I am quite impressed with myself though. Here is what I have made so far:

Mon: Creamy Asparagus and Ham Sauce (it is SO good...better than it sounds!)
Rice
Salad
Pink Lemonade
Cucumber sticks
Banana bread

Tues: BBQ Chicken Breast, Salmon
Macaronni Salad
Fruit Salad, with whipped dressing

Wed: Spagetti and Tomato Veggie Sauce (SOOOOOO good!)
fresh parm cheese
fruit

Thurs: BBQ Curried Chicken
Roasted Potatoes
Caeser Salad
Ice cream

Alright, it was totally delish, and I made everything from scratch! No short cuts here friends. Except with the Ice cream! oh yeah, NEVER...and I mean, NEVER see 'Are we there yet?' with Ice Cube. It is the stupidest movie ever. I walked out, and if you know me at all, you know that I do not walk out of movies! We rented it, and I just could not indure it at all!

Okay, I have to go now, I have blabbed for long enough!

Bye friends...:p

friends are friends forever?

2005-05-25T17:25:00.000-02:30

My mom once told me that friendship is always a season. The older I get, the more I believe her. I am extremely relational; once I meet someone who I feel deserves my friendship, I am willing to carry it. Friendship is a two way street most of the time. If one of you is a little extra needy for a while, that is totally allowed, a good mate should always be there for someone they care about. My question is, what happens when one or both parties just get lazy? Is there really any other excuse for two good friends to just stop talking. Or maybe it is because one of the parties holds a grudge. Honesty, without it, was there any 'real' friendship in the first place.

I guess it is pretty clear that I am having some friend issues. It seems I am losing friends left right and centre! Most of them are because I have just gotten lazy. I have two very good friends that I have actually tried, as much as a person should, to keep in contact with. It is almost painful to think that perhaps they have gotten bored with me. I know I am not a fully healed woman, so it may be my issues talking...but still, what is their excuse? It is just a little sad, that is all. I keep wondering what some of my old friends must have felt when I decided it was not worth my time. It must have hurt them like crazy. Freedom is a great thing, until you realize other people have it too. (it is still great!)

Kansas City was pretty good. It was very similar to TACF in annointing...

The road trip was exausting, it was MUCH longer than mapquest said it would be! It was 20hrs there and 24hrs home. We kept getting held up in traffic going home. Beck and I both got VERY sick on the way down, and it lasted until...well..I am still getting over it!

I moved home, I am not sure I have told many people. I am sick of all the moving I do, but this was a final decision. I am commited to being here for six months, then I am moving to North Carolina. That is one thing I learned in the states...I truely love it there. I definatly want to live there for a while.

I have nothing else to say.

oh weary heart

2005-05-21T05:15:00.000-02:30

Well, I am home now. I arrived this afternoon, after a 24 hour straight drive. It was pretty sick, I felt like I was in a moving vehicle for hours after the return.

I will post about my trip in a few days. This post is to acknowledge Will.

I wish I could say that I came home to the very sad news that a great friend of mine had passed away...but instead I have to say...an old friend passed away.

Will was a great guy. I really wish I got to know him better, and somehow, spent more time with him. I was good friends with his sisters a while back, and I really admired his leadership. I never even knew he was sick. I don't understand why God takes people away. Will had dreams...he loved God, and was just an all around amazing person. I think most people would agree in me saying 'it was not his time'. But it was. I am so confused. God was the only thing in control of it...and He decided it was time. Why?

Will will be missed and remembered by many. I am left with the thought of how this would feel if I knew him just a little bit better. One of my greatest friends knew him really well (I am pretty sure they were best friends). I wonder how he feels? I wish I could bring Will back, but it is abundantly clear to the world that I can't. I have cried about it, more for the pain my really close friends are going through.

Will, I wish I took the time to know you better.
Friends, I wish I could relate to/ease your pain.
God, I don't understand...he didn't want to die.

I don't know what to write any more.

i'm a princess

2005-05-14T19:57:00.000-02:30

Okay everyone. I took the test. And you all should too!! I think it is just too accurate to ignore. Guys, you could learn a lot about yourselves! This is a golden opportunity!

You Are Cinderella!

Dignified and hard working. With a gentle and soft-spoken manner you have something many people don't. Patience. Even through the moments of heartbreak you're still able to hold onto all of your hopes and dreams. Bide your time; you're dream will come true.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

also...check this out. I laughed...I thought it was funny. Then I realized...how sad it was I took the test in the first place...tear.

oh so emo

Who should your boyfriend be like?

and the last one...

M&M

Your M&Ms! Your random, fun, and spontaneous. Everyone loves you one way or another- peanut, plain, crunchy, peanutbutter. You are a positive person and don't worry about your losses much.

Well, I think it may be true. True enough anyhow. Okay...I am off to sleep. That rave last night really drained me straight out and away!

I will be gone for a week...however, we shall converse lay-ta. I definatly have some interesting stories for y'all.

peace

the many wonders of me

2005-05-11T00:58:00.000-02:30

listen to this for a wonderful musical experience...~...~...

In other news, I am happy. I am at home right now. On saturday I will be on my way to Kansas City. I am pretty damn excited. I will be going to the IHOP with Beck. She wants to go to school there potentially, and so she is checking it out. I am just a tag along :)

I have said it before, and I will say it again, blogging on a mac is NO GOOD! There are NO options available for me to better my work at all. What you see before you now is RAW talent. Yep. No spell check, no bold italic or insert link option. I am just a genius.

Okay, I am going to bed now, I know this was not long...but deal with it.

AND EAT SOME COOKIES FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

music good for you

2005-05-07T20:09:00.000-02:30

Okay, I am SO not sure how this works...but...I just thought I would try it out. If it does not work, I am SO deleting it! Yep. Not even a question about it. Except for 'will it work?". Alright. It is Copelands Music Video...Walking Downtown. They are one of my fav bands! Yep. True talent.

Video code provided by Music Video Codes

I went to Canadas Wonderland today. I laughed on one of the rides because I realized how boring it was. I have this risk adventure side of me...and it is SO not being fufilled. I am SO going skydiving once I lose like a million pounds. Yep. I the time will come.

I am going home for mothers day. I adore my precious mother. I am going to let her know that tomorrow. I feel really bad, because truth be told, I totally forgot fathers day. I have no good excuse either. I just flat out forgot it. I remembered his birthday, but a lousy phone call is all I could muster up to give.

got to go...sianara.

peace to grandma jones

2005-05-04T20:03:00.000-02:30

Opening word...can't think of one. It is usually something like: well..., or So, but today, i just decided to jump right in.

I have spent today at home alone. Yes. At home, alone. Not totally alone. Jesus was there, still is in fact. Neil was there too...he also is still here. Lillee too. Cute. I have been on the computer ALL day, and I feel quite trekkyish. Being on the computer takes my mind off things, things that I want really badly, but just can't seem to have. Money for example.

I did this idiot test, and was quite distraught when it came to the results. I need to become less idiotish. Try taking it here.

I am 39% Idiot.

I ain't too bright. But all those other idiots annoy the hell out of me. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but at least I know my limits.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

I figure most people who have any sort of sense of humor will get a lower score. So I am okay with my results. I still am working on my card for the mother that I love...your mom...nope. I was also working on my Xanga...I found some rocking music. I switched it from Seasame street, I had complaints...but now it is better. I hope to find something even more incrediable soon. I wonder why you can't have music on a blog. I shall attempt figuring that out soon.

I think I should go spend time with God. Kay...Aloha

i'm link crazy..

2005-05-03T19:04:00.000-02:30

Oh friends,

I must share a story that caused me to weep. I created an excellent post in the eve of yesterday...and it deleted. Sick. I cried and cried like a baby. It is okay though, this one shall redeem it.

Yesterday was an extremely emotional day for me, I cried a lot. I think it was good though. I felt like a build up of stress from the past couple months just dropped on me. Well, that does not sounds so fun, but it was all released through a river of vasser a la myself.

My parents just bought a new and improved vehicle. I think that is it...I am not sure though. It has an automatic start thingy...which is RIDICULOUS! My mother is very happy with it. I hate when people get excited because something saves them like 20 seconds of their life. I mean, how much effort does it really take to start a car...pathetic. Oh well, I love her just the same.

I am thinking of the beach. I am missing home. I miss my dog, and my bed! I kind of miss Subaway...SUE ME!

Remember when that was a phrase...sue me. Another piece of pathetic for you. You da bomb! I mean, it doesn't even make sense. How about...you da defective bomb. Would that have been considered a mad dis yo?! I am just laying it out there...you can feel free to pick it up or leave it there.

Seasons pass to Wonderland. SO pick one up. May 9th the price will sky rocket up to almost 100 buckaroos. They are SO cheep right now. Just do it!

I have noticed a significant decrease in risk latley. I think I thrive off of excitment. When I do nothing exciting for a number of days I lose flare. Perhaps that has something to do with my prophetic. It is always risky, and the second after...or even during...something prophetic...something in me sparks. I love it. So yeah, that is just a thought. I have one hand purple and the other green.

Who do I miss? Lots of people. Why? Just cause! I wonder as I wander.

I know pudd has this link, but it is SO great, I just can't resist. This one is pretty great too.

Bye

a bad day

2005-05-01T00:24:00.000-02:30

Sometimes I just feel like this...

but I guess it is okay, cuz it makes other people laugh...

sigh...

i look to you

2005-04-30T00:39:00.000-02:30

Okay, first off Beck told me how to do this... †
I think that is the coolest thing EVER...yep...coolest in the entire world!

Second of all, I must get this out of my system. Yesterday, Dallas and I were completely bored standing at the IT desk at the conference...so...he held up his walkie talkie and told me to say something. Out of a total loss of anything interesting to say, I paged for someone named Stephen to please come to the front desk. Of course, I did not think there was anyone named Stephen to show up. Little did I know, there was a guy named Stephen working. I did not make it clear what the FRONT DESK was, if you know Tacf, then you know that there is no 'front desk' in the bookstore, and the lobby desk just does not make any sense in that situation. So...Stephen, did I mention that he is pretty hard of hearing...came waltzing in the bookstore aimlessly, well, he had an aim i guess, to find whoever paged him. I was shocked, and laughing, and embarrassed. I just watched him walk around totally confused. He finally gave up, and walked to the front desk in the lobby...and when he saw nobody there, he waited at the window hoping to finally find whoever wanted him. I felt SO bad, and Dallas was laughing so hard, that I could not find it in me to tell him it was all a joke gone bad...sigh...sad story.

The Glory conference is not all that bad. The Riveras are here, and they are rocking. That lady does things with her voice that I think MUST be damaging, but they aren't. Nope. She just opens up and lets it out...one day Bethany, one day.

God is pretty cool hey. I love him. I get annoyed with him sometimes, but I love that it does not bug him. Sometimes I forget that he is not human. He does not have the same hurts as we do. When we don't talk to him, he does not love us any less. He does not forget about us, and he never stops waiting for us. I love...I just love.

I was talking to a very special friend of mine..Trishy...it was a good talk. I am writing it down so I don't forget about it. It is neat how just a couple words from a person you love give you so much life. I must have some sort of social love tank. Sometimes it gets near empty, until the right person says like one sentence, and then it is suddenly full again. Yep. Trish is one of those people. There is SO much power in words. Did I mention my love for God.

I hate that friendship is a season. blah to that.

HAHA. i just did spell check, and Trishy came up as TRASHY...oh...the humors of life

bye guys!

a script

2005-04-28T22:38:00.000-02:30

a conversation i had

Dallas: hey bethany, how nice of you to eat my coffee crisp!

Bethany: how do you know I ate your coffee crisp?

D: cuz i saw crumbs of it on your lips, and everytime you laughed chunks of it flew out of your mouth, and it smelled like coffee!

Jimmy: I can't believe you lied in church. Hey, how old are you? Oh wait, you should never ask a woman for her age.

D: I am 18 and handsome.

J: When I 19, you were 7. I went on my first missions trip. I ate moose meat. I love quebec. My wife speaks french so she can translate for me!

B: I hate this shift key!

Mark: Say my name, say my name. When noone is around you....lalalala

Beck: WHAT? Can't hear you! Your mom is a sticky toad frog. They have trouble attatching themself to flying mokeys.

D: or flying ukrainians

Beck: or flying ukrainians

D: on the shirt it says slava

M: is this your blog?

D: Slava means praise

M: you are all tosta zhopa

B: what does that mean?

D: i don't know (laugh)...dal says...what the heck? Yeah, no..tebya kraseevoyeh nogee. yes. And then BETHANY SAYS ya zhnayoo.

B: i touched dallas' bum.

Anyway, that is it now. I THINK THAT SHOULD explain exactly how my day was. also, the shift key is spontaneously combusting.

bye

miscellaneous babble

2005-04-25T22:53:00.000-02:30

hello friends of the bloging community and others,
today, i write to inform you on the happenings of my life today thus far.

1. wake up
2. call beth
3. drive to beth's
4. drive home
5. drink tea
6. eat oreos
7. drive to church
8. drive home
9. chat with annie
10. watch tv
11. write blog
12. still pending

so, as you can see, i have had a quite eventful day. i feel a deep need to relax, and build up some energy for my next excursion into the world.

i saw trish and peter yesterday. they are a wonderful couple, full of humors and serious chats. i have not used capitals this entire blog. it is so unlike myself. i have also discovered something wonderful about blogs, spell check. so i no longer have to write about how i have spelled a million things wrong. what a blissful discovery.

i hope you all find yourselves well. beck just walked in, she does not understand why i write about nothing. i write down everything i see, and i see everything i can. gully says, if i want to be a writter, i'd better start now. which is why, i am a spy. i believe that is taken from harriot the spy. i used to love that movie. now i do not, cuz it is quite young for my taste. it is weird how our brain has taste...or maybe it doesn't.

i miss sarah. she is funny. she will probably comment on this line, which will make me smile. the other sarah who i see frequently is quite neat as well.

oh gosh, i wish i had something really good to say. i wish that there was something, anything, worth talking about. this season is just so blah for me. oh well, it shall improve itself.

okay, enough from me.
talk to you soon friends.

flowers and daisies.

2005-04-23T23:29:00.000-02:30

The killers is only one month away! I just can't wait. Well, actually I can. I just do not want to. Today I went to the science centre. It was an experience. I will tell you about it later. I'm leaving for now. Buy

some chocolate for me
by

the way, I love Jesus
bye

to bored, or not to bored?!

2005-04-22T00:25:00.000-02:30

I think I will stop myself from admitting to boredom from now on. It is kind of like giving up, giving in to the nothingness. The second you verbally announce that you are bored, it intesefies like a million times, and suddenly, you are stuck. Stuck with nothing. Then you find yourself saying over and over and over how bored you are, and NOTHING seems to pull you out. It is only after you make a decision to deal with it and move on that you realize, wow, I am not as bored as I thought I was!

Today, I was bored. I spent the morning watching CSI, which I LOVE...d. It is definitely an evening show. I then straightened what some would call hair. It was a mess...never should you wash your hair and sleep on it. Unless, of course, your hair is only a couple inches. Mine is not! Not only did it screw my hair over the next day, but the sopping wet pillow was unable to fufill its sole purpose. The comfort was NOT there. I think I even had to shake water out of my ear the next morning. Okay...Exaggeration admitted.

After the battle with the hair, I left to go to church. Sigh...church. I love it, but I dislike going into work with no aim for the day. It is not even my job. You see, Beck, who I love, works there. I do not have a job at the moment, and rather than sit on my ass all day at home...I sit on my ass at church. I could justify it if I had the energy, but I do not. Yes I do. Okay, I used to watch tv like a mad woman, but then I realized it was a HUGE waste of time. So I would far rather spend time thinking, and writing, and reading, and socializing! It feels so almish. I have a feeling I spelled that wrong, but alas, I could care less. But wait, if you could care less, does that not mean that you DO care a bit. Hmmm...

I tried to write a sermon yesterday. It was SO hard. I want to be taken seriously, but A. what do I have to say that people have not heard before, and B. I just can't seem to not be silly. I was reading a book today called 'Lucas on Life 2' and I was laughing SO hard. This guy is a pastor, author, teacher guy. He writes all these ridiculous stories about his life, and how he found God in them. In one of his short stories he talked about this man who wrote him an anonymous letter about how he SUCKED as a preacher cuz he was too funny. 'you are not a pastor, you are a comedian. You have missed your calling.' was one of the lines in his hate male...i mean mail.
Lucas just said that when things like that happen, you just have to shrug them off, cuz you know what God made you to do. And we live for Him, not man. I liked it. The other stories were quite hilarious as well. Sigh...there is just to much to share. But y'all should go ahead and read it. Especially if you are the non-religious type.

I had a dream (sister to the better known I have a dream speech)
My dream was symbolic. I knew that from the time I awoke. But I just did not know the interpretation. I talked it over with a gal named Sarah...oops...maybe I should change her name...okay...FRAN. I talked it over with a gal named Fran. She suggested that I have a lack of vulnerability. I was kinda taken back. I live my life like an open book (i think), so I was confused. But then I realized that she is probably right. When I tell people stuff, I am pretty sure I guard my heart. There are a few people who I let into the courts of myself, and the things that they say really hit me... but most people, I just could care less what they have to say about me. Does that even make sense? I guess I don't really understand what it means to be vulnerable. Maybe I am, I just don't know.

Anyway, let us stray from that. I want to have an open house for kids and youth whenever it is I have a house of my own. I think that would be so fun. I mean, a place where hurting kids can come and just hang out. I don't know what that will look like or anything, and I don't know if I could even handle it, it is just an idea. I shall chat it over with my futureness whenever he shows up. Perhaps he will have a few idears.

Most of my friends are in relationships...and the ones who are not are content, at least on the outside. Interesting. The season is changing. I don't know where that came from...just started typing, and that is what came out. It is my mind barf...like it?

One more thing, I need to clean my room. Not physically, I cleaned yesterday, but more...internally. I think it is just that I am growing up or something, but I just want to...grow up. I want to still be me...totally...but I want to be 'on fire' if you will. I know I hear God, I know that I know that I know that I hear God. Sometimes he tells me to do things or say things to people, and I totally shut him right up. It feels so immature to me. I want to be able to just forget about myself, and my issues that might get in the way of my ministry...I want to trust that God can work beyond that.

Crap. I have to go.

daniel

2005-04-21T18:33:00.000-02:30

i have changed my password daniel. the gig is up...it is SO up!

bye

death to person mysterious

2005-04-20T13:52:00.000-02:30

Umm...I have a hacker. There is one. Yep. It is quite sad. You think you know people, until. I hope it was Bethany, she knows my password. It may not have been, because everyone (as in annie and daniel) knows that my password always has something to do with my poochy. I feel violated. I feel angry. I feel cold. I feel revenge.

I have no way of getting that though. I do not know anyone elses password. I am not the type of person to wiggle my way into another persons personal life. Only SAD people do that. Really really sad people. I will pray for you...whoever you are. It was and is still quite funny.

In other more greener pastures. I am going to write a sermon today. I am not sure what it will look like. I hope it is wonderful, and enlightening. I think I will write it on love, and flowers. They relate.

Laura Wildgoose, I love her. I know she loves me too, she would NEVER change my profile. She accepted me as I was before. And still...she accepts me.

What?

God is great. I love him. I think he loves me way more than I give him credit for. I know he likes me. Here is something I wonder...does God laugh at sarcasm. It is possible, but I have a feeling he sees right through it, and while everyone else is laughing, he is crying cuz he sees the truth and hurt behind it. Interesting.

I like cheese. I really do. It is not a lie. Also chocoalte milk. I may or may not be drinking it right now.

I hate job hunting. There is nothing to aim for and my bow and arrow are getting heavy. I think I will drop them, and hope that a job just dies right in front of me so I can take it home and chop it up and eat it. What a wonderful analagy. Did I spell that right? Who cares!?

Okay, I am leaving now. I forgive the culprit. I am not changing my password. I like it too much. It is simple. Why should I suffer for someone elses wrong doing? That would make me more Christlike though...maybe I will.

leg hair

2005-04-19T00:08:00.000-02:30

leg hair is so soft and i like to run my fingers through it!!!

eating soggy chips

2005-04-16T20:08:00.000-02:30

Sigh, I have not eaten much today, nope. I did not eat anything soggy for sure. I am not quite sure why I have soggy chips as a title for this blog. Not sure at all actually. Beck, she is beside me now...creating a quiz. You all should go take it. She has a bebo...not a blog, which is quite sad. How will she join the brother/sisterhood of bloggers within the Tacf church family. It is impossible. Maybe I will be the builder of the bridge that brings beboers and bloggers together...yes...

beckpoulsen.bebo.com

go there instantly and allow beck in. WAIT!!! Finish reading this first.

Okay, I am bored. How entertaining. Yes. Entertaining.

oh yeah, if you want to get some more great reading material go to

notorphanannie.blogspot.com

I hope that is the right address, I believe it is. Yep. Annie mal, deep intellectual type. Also funny as shit.

Okay, I can't think of anyone else to up talk at the moment. If I start allowing myself the list will be far to great to comprehend. Yes, it will. I am so stinking tired. I woke up at noon, but I went to bed at four. I can understand the lack of sympathy from EVERYONE. Ish.

What am I talking about, this is definaly word barf. I miss my friends, I had so many, but then I got lazy. So lazy. I hate it when I do that. I get to selective, and then drop friends like the plague. No...not like a plague. I just have seasonal taste i guess. But it is a two way street i guess. I don't even make sense right now.

Wow, the lady singing right now REALLY wants to be heard.
common woman, you can hit those high notes...you sure can try.

Rude. Kinda

I am just running out of things to say. I will have more interesting things to say soon. I shall leave instantly!

kids that nap

2005-04-13T12:04:00.000-02:30

The art of kidnaping is one that I do not possess. Yeah, as if that made any sense. Bethany Elaine Ventura is super sick, although she would NEVER admit to it. She is. She is sick physically and mentally, but my concern lies with the latter.

Speaking of latter, Ladder 49 was a great movie.

Anyway, we (being Rebecca Elizabeth Poulen and I) kidnaped Bethany due to her sickness. We have taken her under house arrest. If we don't make her rest, goodness knows she will not.

Movin' right along. Sleep. It is difficult to accomplish on a floor. I am not sure why, the pillow just does not take the form I desire, and the carpet scratches through clothing...and it just makes for an all in all sleep disaster. Dreams don't help. Dreams that are weird and somewhat creepy. Like the dream I had last night involving the shooting of an arrow through my fathers head by the villiage culprits. Yes...the monsters from 'The Village'. Some (Annie Louise Matheson) would call it their favourite movie.

Lord, I pray for Annie. Would you download movie taste to here immediatly. It is a need

Amen.

I have friends, and some of them went to a Jimmy concert. It was great! So I hear. The invitations was not handed to me. So I did not go. Sigh. Oh Jimmy, whatever did you do without me there for inspiration. Oh, I see. Perhaps it would have been more distracting than beneficial.

I like church. I am learning to love church. I am forming a new definition of church. I am not sure what that is yet. I hope she gets better soon. She has been sick forever.

Bethany is sick.

I'm sick too, in my own right. I'm sick of romantic comedies and the impossiblilities it plants in my fragile, female, complex, maluable mind. Love is not a feeling. Hunger is one, though. It is rising like the flaming red hot sun on the Sahara.

How is everyone. I feel like I have not seen most of my friends for months, but that is just not true. What is true? Well, I have not have QT with any of them for a long time, which SUCKS!

My besteses are watching You've Got Mail. Puke. Barf. Ralph. Whatever you call it, it is all the same to me. Meg and Tom are a pleasant couple, a pleasantly sickening couple. And romantic comedies are created to make dateless people even more aware of their lonely state. I am not lonley, I am in denial. WHAT?

Okay, I have up chucked uselessness long enough.

There is a love, even though it is cliche, it is truth.

Also, Bethany, not I, did that last blog. There is NO WAY I could come with something that brilliant. Sigh....

One day.

rub your tummy and pat your head

2005-04-09T17:57:00.000-02:30

Most of you know that I'm, well, musically inclined to say the least. I would like to share with you my latest piece of genius. Partake, if you will...

the grass was greener on Paula's side
until I saw my side clearer
unfertilized it was, my dear
but so delightful, so delightful
my favorite colour used to be blue but
then my life changed,
those deliverance sessions were not in vain
now it's red, how peculiar
but in five minutes it will be yellow
because I need to learn to love those
things I used to hate (I scream real crazy at this part)
I like things wrapped in aluminum,
I prefer them to diamonds and the finest silk ( a little harmony there)
if I wanted this to rhyme, I'd say something clever about milk (a backround cackle)
but back to you, you're not off the hook
I hope you find your car keys
because I couldn't bear to drive you home...
you talk too much about the frivilous
everything is so frivilous

I plan to just run off stage like Napoleon, even though I thrive off applause. I'll sacrafice it. I'm better than that. It's also in the key of F sharp junior delux.
We ordered pizza to TACF last night and Martin ate practically the WHOLE THING. Bethany V only got a meezly pepperoni! There's injustice for you.
Bradd Pitt is actually quite old. He probably eats EVERYTHING organic and uses oil of olay.
I'm not going to lie and say it's not on my shopping list. Mind your own business.

I love you all so very much. Please feel free to leave any compliments in the comments section.
Bethany Dawn Critchley

a circle of friends

2005-04-04T22:44:00.000-02:30

Hello again,

Goodness gracious, it has been a very emotional day. Yes, it has been. I guess it doesn't help that I have been sickly ill..which is a redundant phrase...or couple of words, or something. I am finding it very difficult to love my brother, maybe that is why Jesus kept saying how important it is to do it. If it was easy, there would be no point in making a big deal of it. Sigh...brothers. People tell me all the time it is just a phase, but sometimes it just does not feel that way. I really hope it is, cuz I am not the type of person who handles enemies too well. Oops, personal.

How rude. Is that a question? How wonderful. Is that a question. How wonderful you are! Is that a question?
Oh the questions.

I am listening to that band...you know, the one called...uhh...shoot, I forget. I think it has the word stone in it. OH YEAH...capstone. Yeah, I am pretty proud of myself for getting that one. Capstone, they are an interesting time that is for sure. I can never figure out how I feel about them exactly. I think I like them, but then I just get bugged and change the song. But I always run back for more. Kind of like cotton candy ice cream. Or is it iced cream?!?!

Blossom is barking. She was sick all morning, maybe I cought what she had, but I don't think you can catch sickness from dogs. I wonder if that is true! Tomorrow I am moving back to the Poulsens, good times and a half. I am doing a skit at Just Me and the Kids, which should BLOW big time...haha. Oh well, I get the play the 'special bird', which is not a far stretch from reality. I feel like eating some popsicles. mmmm...

Trish Henderson...oops, last names...oh well...Trish rocks lots. Here is a poem I wrote for her:

Trish is so great
she really really is
when she says hi
i realize i miss
it when she is there
and another thing
she has great hair
she likes food
and says cool jokes
when she is in a bad mood
she is no fun to poke
wait, yes she is so
especially in the snow

WOW. I shall not quit my non existant day job! But i do love her, and she is great. So there. She was at church on tuesday, and she did not even say hi! BOO

I could probably link all my friends back to trish...let me try:

dating peter who hangs with dan, who lives in same town as annie and maryanne and jordan, who knows jill weber, who knows beck, who is also bestest with bethany, who is dating mark, who knows pudd, who knows a bunch of tacf friends, who know a bunch of school of ministry friends...who know...?

oh gosh, i think i failed and succeeded at the same time. Oh well. It is neat that I tried. It is also grammatically needy.

I believe I have run out of things to say. so i shall leave. but not for long. bye

time well wasted

2005-04-01T16:50:00.000-03:30

Wow, I can change the font of my bloggy blog blog! That is so exciting hey?! . Oki doke, I noticed on my last blog that I posted twice...TWICE...and I am glad. It is nice to know that you have been heard. It would have been nicer to see the looks on peoples face as they read them. The reaction would be splendiforus.

I should talk about my road trip...we had air time. It was great. Superman has nothing on us. We spent five hours of singing the Friends theme song in a Midas waiting room. Wow. What a trip!

I am eating peanut butter and jam from a spoon. It is interesting. But then again...so am I. Or so is myself? Bethany (the other one) is supposed to come and free me from my boredom at this moment. Actually, 23 moments ago. Whatever, I can deal. Some people would tell me that boredom is a state of mind...and I must make a choice to preoccupy myself. Others would say that is a load of shhhh....it is not up to me to say what other people would say. It is up to myself. Damn right...or wrong?

What deep thoughts have I been thinking? Well, non that I can share openly with y'all. You should ask about it sometime. Also, I moved. I am living in T. O. now. So I shall be blogging less regularily. I hope that is okay with you plural.

mmmm...peanut butter.

I wonder, who do I know here right now. Noone, all strangers. Oh well. Also, I am going to talk to some homeless people next week. Yep. Just sit with them on the street and talk about nothingness. It shall be entertaining enough. I figure Jesus would have done it.

Sorry about all the many grammatical errors. It is due to a lack of schooling. My bad. You can deal. Like that for instance was NOT a complete sentance.

K.

I need to leave now, cuz I have nothing else to say. or type. or think.

Sienara Peeps Yo.

mercy forever

2005-03-27T18:21:00.000-03:30

Okay, Fresh Wind...it was better than last year. Perhaps it is just because this year I actually took the time to listen to what was being said. It was pretty neat. My highlights was the night Jay spoke, it just kind of gave me hope. I feel very similar to things as him, and to see that he has made it in his calling and stuff even though he feels the way he does...it was just cool.
I am in a very strange mood today, but that is okay. God is doing something neat. I hope.

Bored.
No.

I am in Toronto right now. Staying at the Poulsens again. It is pretty cool, but I am in such a foriegn place emotionally that I don't really know how I feel . I have so many places and options and blah...I don't know what is going to happen. It is refreshing in a way. Actually, it kind of feels like there is a storm warning out...actually...a wind warning. And it is exciting...but there is potential rank smells on their ways...but it could be like flowers. HA. I am great.

K..I am going to go cuz I am not in the mood for this any longer. I shall continue my blogation later. Audios
...videos

Kisses and Hugs to all who want them in a platonic way!

it's not MY issue

2005-03-18T01:03:00.000-03:30

Hello dear friends,

It has come to my attention (after a series of thoughts and ponderings, even thought what I previously stated is redundant) that people are looking for where God intends them to be at moments of their lives and what not. Well, I have previously bloged about our ultimate callings in life...I have all the same been wondering, or pondering, or thinking, or all of them at once concidering they mean EXACTLY the same thing, what would Jesus do.

The answer...live. Jesus lived never knowing where his next meal would come from, never knowing where he would sleep that night, or how he was going to pay for his cell bill. He knew his job was to bring humanity's attention to the father...I mean...the Father. Sorry, don't want to disrespect that big guy. I have been going crazy in my mind over all this 'having a goal for your life' deal. I have been needlessly stressed about where I should move to make God happy (I can't MAKE God happy, I am sure even He has good boundries). I keep reminding myself that He really could care less. It is all about my lifestyle. Where I live just does not matter...but how am I spending my time?

Okay, I feel myself starting to get on a train of thought (or scooter if you will) that I just don't want to be on. Sory to leave you hanging, but I just don't want to finish those wonderings.

Here is a revelation that I had. Jesus and John the Baptist. They were like bossom buddies. Did I spell that right? Who cares...if you do...that is just sad. So...Jesus and John knew eachother in the womb, they were SO close that Jesus would even give up his life for him...(that was a joke...a completely UN-humorous one) (pity laugh...that is what I need). So. John dies. The closest friend and relative of Jesus, and he is SO sad. It actually says that Jesus wanted to be alone. Wouldn't you? So then, your best friend dies, you want to be alone, and then this SWARM of people flock to you and are craving attention for their stupid little issues...and guess what He does. He takes out a machiene gun and blows all their brains out. Yes. I relate to him. When I read that, I was like 'here is a man who is totally down to earth. So real. In every way. If you read farther, you will see that he is later sentanced to a life in prision, and He starts some weird suicide cult and everyone dies.

NO!

I lied. Forgive me. What actually happens...it says, Jesus felt compassion for the people and went to them. These people who NEVER get off his back...one of the only times He ever wanted to be alone, and He turns around and goes to them. It blows my mind. He 'felt compassion' for them. Oh my gosh...I don't even think I am putting this into words in the way it should be!? Did that even make grammatical sense? Does that even matter right now? NO! (so negative...I have already said that once!)

Sigh...it is beyond me. I just love Him so much.

Okay, I need to go watch a movie.

I lied yet again...a movie is not a need...simply a want.

Muchos Love

don't be trippin' yo!

2005-03-17T12:19:00.000-03:30

What a wonderful sunny day outside! Alright. Just a sec, I need a bagel!

Ahhh...sweet bliss. That hit the spot just right. One side with cream cheese, the other with nutella. One thing I may change in the future is putting the cream cheese on the seseame side...yes...oh glorious improvements.

Okay, I am going on a road trip. It has changed dramatically in the past week. We were going to go to New Brunswick...but we would only be there for one day (the drive non-inclusive) (as if that made sense) (it did, it is just not commonly spoken in that format) (these brackets are SO three blogs ago!). So it has been decided that it just is not worth it finacially. We have therefore decided to drive somewhere...get lost, and rent a hotel room for the night in some random destination. It shall be an adventure, and it works out this way. It just 'feels' right.

Fresh Wind. Woot. I get to work the customer service area of things. Which is good and bad at the same time. It is SO bad cuz it is boring. It is good cuz I don't have to pay to get in. YAY! Freedom, litterally.

I hope God comes to Fresh Wind, that is always greater than not.

It is my last day of work tomorrow at subway. I have agreed to go out with some people after work. It may be wonderful. It may be strange. I told them that we all have nothing to relate to outside of work, and there may be much silence...like that of the lambs...yet not. It will be odd, but I shall plow through it, like the Lord did with his oxen and sheep?

K. I must visit work to not volenteer...but to get paid...because of my employment.

Oh yeah, I spent the other night watching 16 hours of the OC with some friends of mine...their names have been mentioned before on this very blog...the same one I am writing now...the very similar one. Uhhh...K. The point is, that when they left, I watched four hours of it again...oh the very very sad life I live. But it is splendiforus. It totally is. I am in deep love with the shirts of Seth, and because shirts make a man, I love Seth...WHAT? What...ever.

Peace out Peeps a the homi g clusta. Chat it up dawg style lay-ta yo!

the not so magical dragon

2005-03-08T02:50:00.000-03:30

Okay, here is the deal
I am not one to hide myself. I pretty much let everyone know what I am thinking an doing all the time. I hate keeping things all locked up and what not. Plus, I HATE being fake. It is not much of a mystery to people that I STRONGLY dislike religion, and religious behavior. It is like a crazy chain that keeps you from fully understanding God. I don't know. Anyway, here is the issue.

Someone recently found out that I had a ciggarette and they were so angry. I was so hurt, because that particular person totally lost whatever respect that they had for me, and pretty much rejected me as someone who was/is close to God.
I hate that so much. Whenever (GENERALIZATION WARNING) any christian finds any 'issue' with another christain it becomes their holy business to correct them. This person had NO authority over me whatsoever, and it is not like they were perfect either.

Bitterness. Probably.

Okay, so here is the real deal. Not that that was not real, for it was.

I am totally one hundred percent open to correction, and I want nothing more than to live a righteous life for God. I have been thinking for a long time about the issue of smoking though. Not that I have any desire to be a chain smoker for the rest of my life...not to any degree actually. But just to know, so I can be 100 percent on where I stand. I don't want to do anything because a system tells me to. I want to know why its bad so I can tell other people...I dont do it cuz of blah blah blah...instead of saying...i don't do it cuz i am not supposed to. That just feels stupid to me.

So, I have done some research to help myself out. Here is what I found out.

Item 1.

One cup of coffee a day
or
One pop a week
or
One McDonalds Hamburger a month

will do more damage to you thank smoking a pack of smokes a day for ten years straight. I was told this from a doctor. A good one. One that I trust.

So that kind of blew the temple of the holy spirit thing out of the water. I mean, we should all purify our bodies as well as our spirits, but don't even think about using that as an excuse to tear someone down for smoking unless you are willing to give those other things up.

Item 2.

Smoking can change your attitude and it is addictive

Anything can change your attitude if you let it. Attitude is a concious decision. And the addictive part, biting your nails is addictive. Coffee is addictive. Pain killers, and anti depressents are addictive. This does not make smoking any better or worse than those things...sin is sin. But are you prepared to give those things up? If you don't drink coffee or take pills...then what are you addicted too. I think most people are addicted to something.

Item 3.

Your motives could be bad.

Well. True enough. But your motives could be nothing more than the fact that you like to do it. You crave chocolate...you crave smoking. I do agree that if you start smoking to make a point that you are rebelling and want people to see it, that could be ultimatly damaging to your spirit. But that is not the smokes, people make their points by doing lots of stuff...drinking, cutting, isolation...to name a few. The smokes are an outlet...the rebellion is the issue.

Okay, let me know what you think. I am not trying to justify anything that I have done. I am simply trying to make sure I know where I stand, especially cuz I think I will work with youth one day. I never want to make rules just to have them. I love rules, when there is a clear reason why they are there. Isn't it so annoying when your parents tell you you cant do something, and then you ask why and they just say 'i am the parent, i dont have to have a reason'. In other words 'i am having a power trip, there is no real reason except to keep you on your toes.'

Oki doke. I shall await your responses. And I will blog further on this issue as new light falls upon it via conversations with authority and friends.

Thank you come again

lack of camels

2005-03-06T21:04:00.000-03:30

Okay, there is a SERIOUS lack of camels in North America. I mean, think of it...they don't need much fuel...and if you don't like someone, you can get your camel to spit on them, and you will not get charged. I can understand the camels not particularly enjoying the FREEZE of Norther Canada, but heck, what about Florida, or California.

Speaking of California, the idea of camels came up all on my own. It was not suggested by anyone...for only I have a brain to think of such a mess. Yes, no person...especially a person kicked out of our neighbouring country...aided in the idea of such a topic.

WHAT?

Yet again, for the millionth time...I lost myself.

Okay, another thing to add to this insane in the membrain blog of mine...the I on my keyboard fell of. Yes, it is rediculously annoying. I think I will stop using the I for I am quite bugged about the I.

WHAT?

Clearly my last request on my last blog for more comments just did not work with you all. I shall now attempt reverse psycology. DO NOT UNDER ANY CERCUMSTANCE LEAVE A COMMENT ON MY BLOG. Thanks

I am bored, but I have to drive elijahs friend home. GRRRRR...

In the words of my hero...

Peath out.

uhhh...in white that means bye.

contradiction 101

2005-03-03T22:19:00.000-03:30

Hello friends,

well, here is another entry from me. I know...what a fricking suprise right. Anywho...I just thought I would add in my last journal entry cuz i find it interesting. It is not a poem or anything, i was just writing my thoughts to God...they are as follows:

Intelligence is to admit first that you know nothing.
Well, I don't know much, but I do know that I love you.

You leave me speechless,
but I have so much to say,
and every breath I take is in you,
yet I am breathless.

Oh Prince of Peace
Oh God of Rest,
how can I serve you better?
And what must I do
For your unconditional love.

With Your still small voice
You move mountians
and create thunder.

My father, you carry me
as I walk this narrow road.
Jesus you saved me,
please help me through this storm.

I love you more than life itself,
but I am so caught up in living.

You lead me beside still waters,
yea though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

I shall not fear my enemy,
For I shall fear the one I love.

So there you have it. Just a bunch of stuff I had been thinking about. I just love making things that are so simple a little more complex. Whatever. Uhhh...yeah. Another thing I was thinking about today is how most christians are so preoccupied with their 'calling'. You know what I mean, that AMAZING thing that God has for each indevidual person. I had a bit of a revelation...we all have to same calling. Jesus gave us two commandments. Only two...they are the ultimate callings, and if they are fufilled...then we are also? Riiiight. Here is the deal, He told us to love God with our heart, mind, body and soul, and to love our neighbour as ourselves. So I guess In a way, that is three commandments. Love God, Love ourselves, and Love others as ourselves. That is a lifetime goal. I was just noticing that there are so many people who believe that they are walking in 'what the Lord has for them' but they are not truely understanding destiny. I don't really know how to put this all in to words, so I hope this is making sense. I have just decided for myself to TRY and focus of my ultimate calling, before I start asking God 'where I am going'. Sounds good, moving on.

I quit my job today. And it was great.

I don't know what it is with all these guys suddenly 'asking me out'. It is kind of weird, that has never happened to me in my entire life. So far it has been like four in less than a week. Today it was this 400 pound guy who has never said a word to anyone at subway except for extra mayo and southwest please...and he started to get really emotional when he found out I quit. Then he asked me out...HE IS LIKE THIRTY!!! I laughed cuz I thought he was joking...but it turns out he wasn't. I think I should stop laughing every time it happens, but I guess I am a little insecure still and don't believe a guy is taking interest. Wow, hello personal.

Yesterday my mother told me to narrow down my list of what I want in a guy from 116 to 10. She said I was setting my standards a little bit high...
I was shocked...especially coming from her. She said 'maybe that is why you have not met anyone'. Little does my mother know that I have met a lot of people in my time...they just haven't met me...

Alright, it made sense to me!!!

Okay, I think that is enough...I am getting just a little to deep for a co-ed blog.

One more thing. I do appologize for the ban on profanity for everyone that is not myself...there have been complaints...a few. From now on, if you so desire...the occasional curse is promitted. But please no f-word! Thanks ever so kindly.

Also another thing on top of the one more thing...Lisa...I love you...thanks for the email. And so everyone knows, if you send me an email please send it to my hotmail account. I NEVER check my yahoo one. They are the same address and what not. Right.

Oh yeah...you should all be leaving comments. I don't write that much cuz I fear that it is not being appreciated to its full potential...but I am finding out that it is...so...uhh...I lost myself yet again. Just comment. Please and thank you.

debt is almost paid...next week is the final week of stress.

quote of the day:
'i don't fear mice...i kill mice. if it is a cobra, thats another issue...i dance with those.'
debi from subway
Aloha

oh glorious events

2005-02-28T16:37:00.000-03:30

My oh my, it has been a while. Well, I am back, all thanks to a ms. bethany elaine ventura. Work, it has been ever so draining, and time has simply flown. Last night I watched two seasons of Family Guy...it quenched my thirst for great entertainment. I have not had much interesting developments in my life in general. Subway sold to some new owners, they are of pakistanian discent. I am not too bothered,(this comment has been removed from the author!!) Riiiiight. Moving on. I was soaking the other day, yesterday in fact. I was finding it really hard not to say anything to God, and just let him speak. Usually it is not so bad, but yesterday I was just sooo frustrated. I had so much going through my mind.

Here is a little example of how I felt (there is no way a story can show exactly how i have been feeling, but it is along those lines):

Suzy and Jared are married. Suzy gives EVERYTHING she has to Jared. She is totally obsessed with getting to know him, and aspires to be as much like him as she can (wow, what a twisted and crazilly unrealistic story!). She tells him to make her into whatever he desires, and take her wherever he wants her to go. But Jared does not respond at all in the way Suzy thought. Jared is so in love with Suzy that he wants her to make decisions on her own about where she goes, and how she is. Suzy feels somewhat rejected, and a little useless to Jared. Jared just says that he loves her, and would continue to love her just as much no matter what happens. Suzy goes to Jared again begging for him to tell her how she can be better, or where she could go that would make him happy. He continues to say he loves her...nothing else. Suzy then quiets herself down to hear what Jared has to say to her, but she has those same questions in her mind as he answers and she is unable to hear what he is saying.

So there you have it. I don't know If that story made sense at all. I don't even really care. Everything will work itself out in time. Stupid time, I hate it. There is not enough of it. God must love the no time thing. He can spend as much time as he wants with people, and he never has to start work cuz it never is 'time to go'...wow...i just lost myself. I need coffee.

I went to cell last week. It was wonderful. We had to make a one, three and five year plan. At first it was really hard for me to do. I am very goal orientated, and I did not want to write anything down that I would fail at...but God told me to trust him. So I wrote stuff. I realized that I have a lot of really exciting dreams. I think I know myself a little better now too. My weirdest goal was to one day do a dvd commentry. I know it's crazy, but it would be soooo fun. Also, I want to host a TV show that has NO famous people on it. I hate that people idolize celebs...I want to have joe-schmoz on...and ask them how life is. It would be so great. I would call it the...nonceleb show? Sigh...that name sucks...but I have a while to work on it.

I also have personal goals, like I want to obvisouly lose weight...which WILL happen my friends. Get my own car...get way closer to God. Oh yeah, I really want to be known as a God chaser. I would love it if people did not know my name or anything...and when they discribed me to people they would be like 'oh yeah, you know that girl, the one who is crazy about God' yeah, that would be amazing.

It would be cool to be understood too. I mean, a lot of people kinda get me...but they dont know where I am coming from. Wow...on a scale of one to ten, that made ZERO sense. Deal with it, it made sense to me. Sorta.

What else to say...right. I am going on a road trip with my bestestes...probably to new brunswick cuz miami is too expensive, but we may end up going to winnepeg too. Oh the questions. We will see. We will probably go before Fresh Wind. Then I have to work at the conference. It should be a hoot, but it probably won't be (goal:dont be a pessemist) (is that a word) (i guess so, if not, people will see what i mean)

Okay, I'm outy

wisdom in abundance

2005-02-24T20:33:00.000-03:30

Wow, that last entry must seem like I was having some sort of pathetic pity party. Don't worry friends, as insecure as I am...I am very secure? Oh, right. I find my acceptance in the creator of the universe...but the words of encouragement are loved even so.

Blossom is begging for food. And my mother is watching a movie called 'the pavilion of women'...it could be a little unacceptable, we are just not sure. It is of oriental decent.

I just got home from work. Spencer (my car) died cuz I left the lights on. Why did I leave them on, well...because it seemed like a bright idea at the time. I had to deliver some subs to the mental health centre down the street. It was sooooo cool. I had to go past the HUGE jail, and too the...other building. Yeah, I was not allowed to give them any plastic untensils or anything...and there were bars everywhere. But there was no alocohol:(

I had the most eventful day the day before the last day. Here were the events:

drive
church
music Store
russian book store
gas
evangelical temple of sorts
ikea
mini golf in the dark
church
cell
best friends house
dog walking
movie watching
sleep for three hours
drive

Yeah, it was a hoot of hoots. The man they call Dan was there for some, others for the rest. There was laughter and tears...but no tears.

The movie my mother is watching sounds hillarious in a completely UN entertaining way. As if that makes sense.

Who says AS IF anymore...that is SOOOOOO last year.

Well, enough about me...how are you?

Silent today, aren't we.

Right, here is another thought provoking question:

If Jimmy has three cookies, and Sandy skins her knee...who gets the free trip to the zoo?

Many talks later friends, aloha!

as long as you love me

2005-02-22T10:45:00.000-03:30

Well, there is only one conclusion. The end.

About my last blog, I just have something to add to it. Passion. Is it possible that love and passion are the same thing? What is different about them? What do you think?

All my thought on love and subway has brought me to ponder. I have come to believe that 'looks' are really not important in the grand scheme of things. I mean, it is mostly older couples that come into work. I sometimes think (I know it is pathetic and rude and judgemental) 'oh my gosh, there is NO way that relationship is based on lust...WHATSOEVER!' Actually, seeing as this is Penetanguishene, and it is has the highest population of teen pregnancies per capita...it would not shock me. But still, when you really think about it (and thinink about it I have) looks are really only important for like the first two years...then it fades...then you both look like a prune, then...all that stands is love. Love in its purest. I have (in the past) gotten unreasonably frightened. I mean, some women are hot in the fourties, but men...I just don't see how I will ever be attracted to an old guy. I may end up being a fifty year old petafile. NO. I break that off. I guess it is just something that comes with age. lol. I am an idiot, no I am not.

I dream a lot. Yes, it is true. It drives me nuts, cuz I know they mean something...but I SOOO do NOT have the energy to disect them. I don't think that anyone dreams like I do. I mean, they are WACKO dreams. Just thought I should share that with you. Moving right along.

Someone recently told me that everyone at one point in their lives will cry out to God (or for little islands in figi that have never heard of God, to a 'higher being') (wait...islands don't talk). I would not be suprised if they do (not the talking islands you idiot. the comment made previous!), like when people get into car accidents and they say 'JESUS'...even in vain. Or like, if they see something in the news that sucks, they might say 'Oh God' or 'Jesus Christ'. I wonder if that counts as a prayer. I wonder if people who say that just before they die go to heaven. I don't know, for I am not the Lord and Saviour of the Universe. Oh well, I don't have to know.

I think one of the most important part of a friendship is that you are challanged. Not mentally or physically...but spiritually and...well...emotionally, and intellectually, and possibly even socially. Right. So, I have always been pretty selective with my friends. Your friends have a huge part to play in who you are as a person, and people will evaluate you depending on who you hang out with. It is a tough world...whatever. But I got really upset the other day, cuz I realized how much all of my friends challange me...but all I do really is make them laugh, and listen to their stuff, and then blab about all my crap. I don't think if I were my own friend I would find myself challangling. Maybe I would, I don't know. I guess I am just going to have to write some trivia cards and keep them on hand at all times. That should keep my friends on their toes.

Okay. I have to go now. Returning a bass to some store, chillaxin' with peeps yo. bye

so this is love?

2005-02-20T20:26:00.000-03:30

I have been thinking.

My thoughts (some of them) are as follows.

Love...what is it? My mother was recently giving some advice to one of my friends in a serious relationship. She said that love is not a feeling. That was easy to take at first. Yeah, love is not a feeling. If it were just an emotion, like happy, sad, angry, or bored...that would mean that it changes with the wind. We all know (at least I hope we do) that love is not something that comes and goes. But then, why do so many marriages break up because they fell out of 'love'? Emotions are so simple, and SOOOO complicated at the same time. One look or one word from anyone can change our mood instantly. I refuse to believe that love is like that.

So if love is not a feeling, then it must be a thing. I once heard that love is a choice. For some reason that does not sit with me right either. That kind of brings it back to the feeling category. We can choose to be bored, or angry...even happy or sad. We can make choices that change the way we feel. So...we choose our emotions? Hmmmm. To a degree I suppose.

This did not satisfy my intrigue. My favourite quote is as follows:

"Love is not love which alters when alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no! It is an ever fixed mark which looks on tempests and is never shaken."

In common english it says that love does not change when you want it to. It can never be taken away. Love sticks through the strongest storms, and does not even begin to think about moving.

So, if Willy is right, then love must be more than a choice. It must be more than...I don't even know. All I do know is that God is Love. Until someone REALLY knows God, they do not REALLY know love. So then, do non-christians love? Sigh...it is so complicated in my brain.

The good news is that I do not have to define it. I just have to feel it, to live it. A good friend reminded me of the verse 'no greater love is there than this, that a man lay his life down for a friend'. I 'feel' like I want to do this. I may 'choose' to put it to action. But does it mean anything if there is nothing behind it? I think that being self sacraficial has to come naturally. It has to be a part of us. It is like an attitude, or a lifestyle, or something more than nothing.

I am losing myself in deep thought that I just can't put into words. Please let me know what you think of the overflow of brainage.

Oh yeah, I am still a little sick, but feeling better. I am really missing friends...but that is nothing new. I am beginning to see that God is not silent. Don't unplug your ears to hear the answers to your simple questions.

Thats all for me. bye

monopoly's clue

2005-02-19T23:18:00.000-03:30

Salutations to you. I just wanted to let you know that my plans for yesterday have been postponed indefinatly. The truth is that I am sick. No, I am not disgusting...

It all started last night. My cousin Jessica came to my room at six o'clock and asked why I was sleeping. I got up to play with her (she is only 8). I tried to play, I tried sooooo hard...but there was an ache in my head. 'Damn' I thought to myself. I am never sick. Why this day Lord? WHY?
I had to wake up at six to open the store of subary. All day there was a thump. ALL DAY. I came home at four and went to bed. Now I am awake, and it is no better than before.
My friends at work said that I was a tad delirious (which is also a band, so I took it as a compliment).

In other more shocking news,

Today, my password was changed. I have narrowed it down to two suspects. These are the only two people in ALL of the UNIVERSE that know the answer to my secret question. I will not release any 'real' names due to privacy act that I have based my life upon. Lets just call them ANNIE MATHESON and DANIEL SLADE. Perhaps they were in on it together. Let us do some character profiling.

Daniel Slade

large family
oldest child
lived in Ukraine for lots of life
booted from USA
speaks Russian
hates mayo
emotionally cold towards puppies
a responsible, mature missionaries boy (if you believe that, you are deceived)

Annie Matheson

smaller family
oldest child
moved back and forth from BC (my initials)
owns vehicle
abandoned apartment
keeps secrets about marriages
enjoys camping with the opposite sex
kind persona

As you can see, I am in a pickle. I tend to lean towards the Daniel. Let's face it, he has criminal written all over him. (Not litterally you moron!) (Sorry, you are not a moron) (oh, unless this is Daniel).

Right, let me know what you all think about the situation. In any case, I have given both parties the gift they do not deserve. Forgiveness. Yes, I extend it to them, only to free myself.

Whatever.

I am sick, and tired, and leaving.
I love those of you who I love!!

shocking news

2005-02-18T19:06:00.000-03:30

Hmm...how to start this? Okay, so here is the news. The word 'a' is useless. Yes, COMPLETELY useless. I have discovered this a LONG time ago, a year ago to be specifac...and if you want an exact date then you are a retard. Here is how I know it is pathetic. The word 'a' can be eliminated, and the word 'one' can ALWAYS be used in its stead.

Example:

A hundred - one hundred
a group of people - one group of people
a lovely afternoon - one lovely afternoon

You see, it may sound weird to you, but that is just cuz you are not used to it. Alos, cuz is NOT a word, it simply portrays the complete laziness of this generation. I mean, how much longer does it really take to say or type the word because. Not long. That is the answer incase you were looking for it. It has been found. By me. I am smart. Should be a teacher I guess. Except the past couple sentences have not been complete ones.

Speaking of ones, you cannot take away the word one and replace it with 'a'. I have tried it in my mind, and it just does not work out. Thank-you come again.

So. (also not a complete sentance) I just saw the movie Hitch with some dear dear friends of my own. It had some moments that were funny, but it had some equally unfunny moments. It gets a six out of ten. I mean, I would see it again if there were people who REALLY wanted to see it, but I probably would not pay for it.

My mother is SOOOO bored right now, she is trying to prove my theory wrong with the whole word theory.

Shit (crap for those under the age of 13). She has done it. "I have to think of A series of thoughts". I think she may be right...this time. Probably most times...whatever.

Hmmm...my scheduale for today is: clean room, do laundry, chat on phone, soak, sleep. Just incase you wanted to know.

Oh yeah, Subway is no longer the bain of my existance. Nay, for it has become my existance. I live for it. And if for I. What? Anyway, it is true, I sometimes look forward to going to work. I have become comfortable in it. Perhaps it is time to move forward with my life. Sigh...the things to think about.

Oh yeah, again. I found out that people DO read this thing. So don't feel alone. Yeah, for some STRANGE reason, people do not like to make comments...perhaps I leave them speachless. I am just too far beyond the comprehension of the minds of the....I am going to stop there...before I dig myself into a hole I can't get out of.

I love you...I am sure I do.

bye

a plethera of bliss

2005-02-13T21:32:00.000-03:30

A tip for all men who are preparing a meal for their lovey on the most significant of sappy days. The espaniolian culture refers to it is as el valintino fiesta...mostly celebrated by single seniors. What? Right, okie dokie, the tip:

make a meal that requires ketchup (kraft dinner, hot dogs, grilled cheese, meat loaf)
share a plate of HEART shaped catsup (we are multi-diversitized)

please note: the use of candles is SOOOO last year. we suggest a dozen fake flowers with the 'eternal dew' (of glue).

Here are some ideas of how to behave on this special night.

1. Cry profusely at any given moment, most moments in fact.

2. Stare until the awkward moment passes. (it WILL pass, just give it time. Don't break eye contact at all costs. Beleive us, it will be well worth your while.)

3. Inturrupt with uncontrolable sighs every time she tries to speak...showing that she takes your breath away with every glance. This can be applied to number 1 and 2.

4. bring food to mouth ever so slowly. Thus prolonging the evening, and your love.

5. Every fifteen minutes (keep exact intervals, a stop watch may be necessary), thrust your hand accross the table and swip her face...tell her she is lovely like a dove. The forehead is a the recommended target. BUT! If you are to miss, just change the phrase 'you are lovely like a dove' to 'you are the air I breath' followed by a DEEP inhaling of oxygen. A symbolic visual will enhance your statement, in fact, the more visuals, the more enhancement.

6. Spontanious singing between appetizer, dinner and dessert. Beat boxing is also acceptable. If you are stuck for ideas, looking at the french writing on labels of food and putting them to the music of your heart will melt her soul. Shakespearian language (or that King James) is also recommended if you fear mispronounciation.

7. Instead of a violinist, purchase a karaoke machine and kindly, gently, request that she partake in a song. This will show that you are not only inclusive, but you are entertainable.

8. Preach a sermon, with an appropriate altar call. She will be hooked to your 'passion for Jesus', if she is not saved, this may be useful as well. Keep in mind, the sermon should not override the fifteen minute intervals. Girls like consistency, and throwing off your schedual would destroy any chance of a second gathering.

9. Hopefully you have hired a waiter so as to not break eye contact. Now, you should prearrange that this waiter take an unpleasant spill, resulting in you reviving him. If you have not made these prearrangements, stick your foot out at the most of opportune moments. She must witness your heroic abilities. (warning: if waiter gets up and accuses you of any wrong doing, simply suggest that her stunning beauty has caused him to stumble. Literally)

congratulations, if the previous has been successfully acomplished, she is now primed and ready for THE BIG ONE. (or the big ten, depending how you look at it.)

10. Get down on one knee, and talk for up to fifteen minutes (your stop watch will be handy yet again), about her importance to you emotionally, spiritually, and most importantly...economically. When her tear stained face is prepared to utter a response, hold your index finger up to her lips, and quiet her down to soak in the moment. Feel free to leave your finger there for as long as you see fit. Make the appropriate 'shhhhh'. When the silence gives way, simply say 'don't take this too seriously, it is likley the wine talking. I wuv you...' at this moment we suggest a collapse into her bossom.

Thanks this has been another blog from the Bananas in Pajamas.

bananas in pajamas

2005-02-13T01:25:00.000-03:30

B1...no...not a vitamin, but yet a person. B2, the second (quite obviously noted by the numeric value placed to its side) (why do we pronounce it sekint?) of those nam-ed Bethany. There are two here. Not personalities, yea we are not freaks. No, two seperate people...two halves that maketh a-hole. Wait...I mean...a whole! Should we mention Airplane. Yes, I think we should. Airplane. It has been mentioned. Twas a movie. Enjoyed by a half, a lulluby to another. The movie was created in the eighties, as the jokes would portray. Sigh...those of you with no personaity would find the movie...boring. As did a good friend, nay, great...she slept. Snoring to the buzz of the plane. It flew, she slept...and thus the story ended. What?

When Kip writes his sonets to LaFanduha, he hums. As our idolotry to Kipland Ronald Dynomite is sinnful, but apparent, we hum as well. Some of us in our sleep. What song is your favourite to hum? Do humming birds actually hum? If you heard someone huming behind you, would you assume they were a senior citizen? Hmmmmmmmmm....things to think about.

Speaking of things to think about...take this questionaire:

1. Do you find MC Hammers pants attractive?

2. Do you think Brad Pitt was better in snatch or fight club?

3. Chocolate dipped OREOS (name brand...copywrited...just making sure) or Double Cream?

4. Julia Roberts or Julia Stiles?

5. Foriegn film, or eighties film?

6. Counterfeit or Counter Fight?

7. Snoring or Huming?

And finally,

8. Airplane or Joe Dirt?

Bethany, one of us, is falling asleep. If you know us well, then you know what one of us it is. Not I, for I am awake. Not she, for she is a drift???

Quote of the day

"Take off the tie, it is sooo not you. Either lose the tie or the gold chain. Lose the gold chain...it is just WAY too Usher."

Is this the end? yep.

come again?!?

2005-02-12T00:59:00.000-03:30

HELLO EVERYONE!
Okay, I have decided this entry to not write anything about work, or bordom...and as you can clearly see...I have already failed...DAMN! I mean, Darn (holy cross thingy that catholics do to redeem themselves).

Riiiiiight. Okay, there is an excitment in me, and let me tell you why. First of all, Jesus, like yeah! And second of all, a clean room.

I am not sure why, but there seems to be a connection with our physical rooms and our 'spritual rooms'. wow, I sound like a quack. But seriously, when my room is clean, it feels as though there is a 'click' in the heavens, and all of a sudden things feel right for me. I just got a mental picture of Mary Poppins just there...woooosh.

Moving right along, I have been thinking deeply (it may come as a shock to lots of you). Yes, end of sentance. No, there is more. I have been thinking (gosh I am redundant) about life. I mean, who doesn't. Is this thing even readable...I feel like I lost you at hello. Whatever, I have been thinking (goodness me woman, get to the point) (okay fine, just drop the attitude) (sad bethany, very sad) (sigh....shut up) ANYWAY! Life! God! Don't ever say that you are giving your life to God unless you REALLY REALLY mean it. It is a ride and a half. I really would not have it any other way, and I am loving it. However, if I had ever just non-chalauntly said 'Hey God, what's happening...oh you want my heart? Sure, why the heck not!' I would be a complete an absolute mess emotionally. Does this make sense? I don't think so. I have not really had a chance to process what I am writing...I am just typing what is coming to me. Sorry. Anyway, God is taking me on this route that I never thought he would take. It is like there are these two paths, and they both lead to the same ultimate destination...but one is straight with a couple hills and what not...and the other is hardly paved...in fact it is not. Everything we do is new, just us...and we cut through branches, and pick out throns, and walk through swamps...and we do it all together. It sounds like it would made a cool show...it just needs a kicking theme song...perhaps Rob could help out with that! Back to the dealio, I guess it is cool...I mean, I love that God is so adventurous, and mysterious. I am not complaining...I am just glad that I really meant it when I gave my life to him!

So. Bethany and her house mates have a peeping Tom. That is not to say that men who peep are named Tom...I only know one guy named Tom, and i doubt he would stoop to such a level...but then again...he might...crazy Hollemas.

Also, my father is snoring. The floor and walls are shaking...it is not the Holy Spirit. Not that I am putting Holy Spirit in a non-snoring wall and floor shaking box.

Clearly sleep is needed, but I just do not want to go to bed...cuz when I wake up...I have to go to....NO! I will refrain from even thinking of work...damn, there it is again.

Deep sigh....and thought....and sleep.

goodbye

the art of finance

2005-02-11T01:01:00.000-03:30

Money. It sucks.
I hate it.
I hate more than I hate anything.

Money is like an exboyfriend that you are still in love with.
Bad example

Money is like a box of chocolate with an unremovable seal
doesn't make sense

Money is like...the manderin.
Yeah...cuz it is so amazing when you have it...and you just live in the moment. Then the moment comes when you have to go home...and you sit in the car, and it all hits at once. The pain...the loathing, it takes over. You end up saying things like 'I hate the Manderin', 'I should not have eaten so much', or 'It happens every time, why have I not learned my lesson?'

Well, maybe you can't relate...but I sure can...obviously. Every single time I get paid I feel like I have so much money...and I spend it like crazy...and I totally forget the four letter word at the back of my brain...DEBT! Yes, Debt. It weighs down on a person like...what the heck...I am sick of metaphors. It just plain sucks okay!

Anyway, I love Bethany. If you see her, tell her you love her too. I think she would like that! Is anyone even reading this fricking thing. I should spread the news that I have one...it kinda feels right now like I am writing to myself. There is something wrong though, cuz i cant frigging see certian screens...like the help screen, or the add blogs screeen...or the 'make a comment' screen when i try to say things on other peoples blogs. sigh....why the issolation?!?!?!?! WHY?

I am going to go now. I am...

subway...the bain

2005-02-09T21:29:00.000-03:30

Right, just got home from work. I have been thinking...all it takes to be funny is sarcasm. It is the easiest way to get a laugh, it is also the least creative, but whatever. I got to work, and everyone was sooooo depressed...so I said sarcastically...oh my goodness, did someone die or something, you all look like crap. Well, needless to say, it was not received well. It turns out that two friends of the family (they are all family at subway, except me) had passed away the night before. I felt like an idiot. I guess that happens to me a lot. The sarcasm thing has not been a good choice at times, actually, most of the time.
Moving on...I was so bored last night that I watched What About Bob. Who does that? I mean really, how bored to you have to be to put on a movie that you have seen like a trillion million times? Half way through, Kaleena called me. She is great, and I have not talked to her in the LONGEST of long times. We talked for a bit, and then I found out that her little sister is dating this guy who I have known since I was born, my brothers old best friend. It was really really really weird.
Also, I talked to my bestest of the bests...ms bethany elaine ventura. I attempted the shouting of the other bestest of the best...which I guess does not makes sense...but anyway, she was not available to come to the phone. I am still not sure why. I love those two. Bethany...you crack me right up and down. Beck...you crack me up east and west? Riiiight. I think I should go cuz it is pretty clear that this is AAALLLL babble and junk from my brain. It was good to download though. Alright, sianara.

I shall converse later via this!

madness I tell you!

2005-02-08T17:38:00.000-03:30

It has been a crazy day. Yes, ever so crazy. It started at like one in the morning with my mother storming in the room worried that I had stolen the EVER SO VALUABLE calandar. I mean...what the heck do I want with one of those things. Gosh. So I woke up, then I did all the normal things one does after waking up...brush teeth, morning pee, breakfast, converse with the Lord and Saviour of the World...and so on and so forth. Then, I had to make a bunch of calls for my mother to schedual/confirm appointments to places...
And so, this has brought me to thinking, since when have I become the family administrator? I told you before, you NEVER have a day off from living. Oh right, I have to go back to Subway tomorrow...sigh...can't say I have missed it. Oh wait, yes I can. Yesterday, on the way to the folk concernt (which by the way, was INCREDIABLE...this guy did things with a guitar that I never thought was possible) my father stopped at a gas station to buy some money. Yes...he baught money. There was a subway in there, and I was hungry, so I baught a sub. Is that a sin? To crave the thing you loath? Well, whatever...I dont care...I am a free woman.
Back to the bordom factor...which is like 12 out of 10 for those of you who care. I have decided to write one positive thing about my situation up here every time I blog. So for today here it is:

The snow is melting, and it is a little warmer than last week.

Hmmm...I dont think that counts cuz it looks like SHAT outside. It is like lake critchley out there or somthing, and it is still grey out, so blah to that.

Right, I will try another one:

I don't have a television, so I can be free to expand my mind!

Yeah, I am not going to wreck that one, although I could you know. Anyway, I have to go...I am sure there is a reason, I just can't think of it right now. Again, appologize for the waste of time...not that I really care or anything. Oki...bye

and then...

2005-02-07T23:51:00.000-03:30

Well, it has been about 24 hours since my last entry. And here I am again, in a similar state as last. BORED! I took a drive with my brother and his friend, we went down the street. Yes, a whole 10 minutes of my time today was spent driving. Other than that, NOTHING. I did drive...drive I did. I also attemted the cleaning of my room. I was highly unsuccessful. I decided to rearange it, but with only one outlet...I had to move it all back so I could look at the television screen as I sleep. Wow! How entertaining...no...not the television, but this entry. If you are still reading, then you must suffer the same disease...the side affects are as follows:

uncontrolable sighs
slight laziness
unanswered telephone calls to friends
a few hours of staring into nothingness
offering to play a board game with parents or brothers
and finally
offering to drive your brother and his friend anywhere...so that you can avoid any of the above.

So, maybe it is just me. But I doubt it. I hope that there is someone out there just like me with nothing to do, writing about their nothingness in a blog, where like 2 people will read it. Yes, there is still hope.

In other news, I will be going to a folk concert tonight. It should be...well...it should be complete crap. Sigh... at least I will get out of the house for a bit.

I think....
yes...I think.
So if you will excuse me for another day... I am going to go and think in my room, while I clean my room...some more.

Okay, I appologize for the complete waste of your time.

Bye for now

Interestingly Enough!

2005-02-06T23:54:00.000-03:30

Hey there,

Can't say I am super experienced with this thing yet...and I mean YET!
Hmmm...I guess you have to be pretty bored to commit yourself to doing one of these, and how fitting, because that is what I am...BORED!
Well, I work at Subway, but let's keep hush hush about it, I am not proud of it. I mean, when I am on my deathbed, I am sure I will have no regrets..non save the fact that I spent (God willing, but PLEASE God UNWILLING) six months of my life making subs for unhappy people (if you can call a hundred old bones with skin and stomachs people)!
That is one think that I have learned at Subway, some people are not nice. Yep, you would have thought I'de have learned a life lesson like that in all my NINETEEN years of living with them, but nope, this lesson was learn-ed via Subway...oh...lovely subway. It is the bain...whatever that means...I guess it is bitter hate of my life. Oh wait, that is Satan.
Right...moving on to greener pastures...
Blossom just had a bath. And for those of you who do not know, Blossom is my dog. I love her, but not as much as I love Jesus. He is pretty cool in my books. Wait, I have no books. I am not an author, I am a sub-maker. Sigh...must everything come back to work!

Okay, seems I have nothing nice to say, so I shall restrict my remarks to the weather. It is cold, and grey. Actually, it is very late, so it is cold and black. Yes, but during the day it was so nice out. Some even likened it to spring. People were walking around with only a parka, yes...a parka...but not I...I WAS WORKING!!!

So, that is it from me for now. I shall go to sleep, and wake up in the morning...and have a day off. But do we ever really have a day off...you can not take a break from life...sigh...too deep a thought for such a tired mind. Right, I shall go to sleep now. Bye friends!!!