confessions of a not-so-teenage drama queen

20. hmm...I expected more to be honest. I remember being 12 and praying for the day I would turn 20. I would be driving, probably married, be a part time actress, part time piolet , have a house of my own, pay bills, drink tea with my mother who I only would see maybe once a month...basically...all my dreams came to be when I turned 20.

I remember telling God when I was seven that he could kill me so that I could be born again when I turned 20 (that was my understanding of giving my 'life to the Lord'). So I am sure you can understand my frustration, and even, ney I say, disappointment that I have or...am...NON of the things that I wanted...expected...dreamed for. Now I look to 30...but will I feel the same when I get there?

I am not complaining, I am just venting (which somehow mean two totally different things!). I have spent the last year of my life being totally complacent. I have not given two craps about the direction my life is going...now, that should not alarm anyone because in my mind I was doing the 'right thing'. I told God that he could take me wherever he wanted...and I would do whatever he asked. Well, turn out he wanted me to feed the hungery, and learn to love my life as a semi-complete loner. I had my family, and I had God...still do in fact...and I can even say that I felt satisfied...even fufilled. The problem: I was not, and am not living my dream...whatever my 'dream' is.

A funny thing happened; it was like before I had been walking up a huge mountian and all I could see was the rock, snow and ice...and when I turned 20, all of a sudden I could see the top of the peak, and and even some of the landmarks to follow. I realized that God has been with me every step of the way, and He always will be. I have to make the choice to run after what I want, and trust that He loves me enough to follow. As much as God wants to push me...He can't...actually...he won't.

That idea was something that was a little hard for me to take. When I was younger (even up to last month) I always had a picture of me going through life on God's hand...like His hand was some sort of magic carpet. I would go wherever He took me. I would then jump off, do the duty, jump back on...and off we went to the next destination. Recently the picture changed...it was me...with a hand covering over top of me...I was totally protected, but it was me that had to move...and the hand would follow me. Interesting hey. Even scary.

All of that to say...I am 20. I am not doing what I dreamed for myself when I was 12. I am not sure what I want in 5 years, heck, I am not even sure what I want tomorrow. But I am going to allow myself to dream, and not fear that I am somehow going to walk away from what God has for me. I have been learning to love myself...and recently decided that I am finally ready to take care of myself...I am not a toy...I am a precious treasure...that needs some touch up work :)

I am going to be alright kids, I know that I don't really fit in to this secular world we are forced to live in...but I am living in eternity right now...and that suits me just fine!! riiight...it made sense to me.

Peace out home dogs.

bethany took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.