to bored, or not to bored?!

I think I will stop myself from admitting to boredom from now on. It is kind of like giving up, giving in to the nothingness. The second you verbally announce that you are bored, it intesefies like a million times, and suddenly, you are stuck. Stuck with nothing. Then you find yourself saying over and over and over how bored you are, and NOTHING seems to pull you out. It is only after you make a decision to deal with it and move on that you realize, wow, I am not as bored as I thought I was!

Today, I was bored. I spent the morning watching CSI, which I LOVE...d. It is definitely an evening show. I then straightened what some would call hair. It was a mess...never should you wash your hair and sleep on it. Unless, of course, your hair is only a couple inches. Mine is not! Not only did it screw my hair over the next day, but the sopping wet pillow was unable to fufill its sole purpose. The comfort was NOT there. I think I even had to shake water out of my ear the next morning. Okay...Exaggeration admitted.

After the battle with the hair, I left to go to church. Sigh...church. I love it, but I dislike going into work with no aim for the day. It is not even my job. You see, Beck, who I love, works there. I do not have a job at the moment, and rather than sit on my ass all day at home...I sit on my ass at church. I could justify it if I had the energy, but I do not. Yes I do. Okay, I used to watch tv like a mad woman, but then I realized it was a HUGE waste of time. So I would far rather spend time thinking, and writing, and reading, and socializing! It feels so almish. I have a feeling I spelled that wrong, but alas, I could care less. But wait, if you could care less, does that not mean that you DO care a bit. Hmmm...

I tried to write a sermon yesterday. It was SO hard. I want to be taken seriously, but A. what do I have to say that people have not heard before, and B. I just can't seem to not be silly. I was reading a book today called 'Lucas on Life 2' and I was laughing SO hard. This guy is a pastor, author, teacher guy. He writes all these ridiculous stories about his life, and how he found God in them. In one of his short stories he talked about this man who wrote him an anonymous letter about how he SUCKED as a preacher cuz he was too funny. 'you are not a pastor, you are a comedian. You have missed your calling.' was one of the lines in his hate male...i mean mail.
Lucas just said that when things like that happen, you just have to shrug them off, cuz you know what God made you to do. And we live for Him, not man. I liked it. The other stories were quite hilarious as well. Sigh...there is just to much to share. But y'all should go ahead and read it. Especially if you are the non-religious type.

I had a dream (sister to the better known I have a dream speech)
My dream was symbolic. I knew that from the time I awoke. But I just did not know the interpretation. I talked it over with a gal named Sarah...oops...maybe I should change her name...okay...FRAN. I talked it over with a gal named Fran. She suggested that I have a lack of vulnerability. I was kinda taken back. I live my life like an open book (i think), so I was confused. But then I realized that she is probably right. When I tell people stuff, I am pretty sure I guard my heart. There are a few people who I let into the courts of myself, and the things that they say really hit me... but most people, I just could care less what they have to say about me. Does that even make sense? I guess I don't really understand what it means to be vulnerable. Maybe I am, I just don't know.

Anyway, let us stray from that. I want to have an open house for kids and youth whenever it is I have a house of my own. I think that would be so fun. I mean, a place where hurting kids can come and just hang out. I don't know what that will look like or anything, and I don't know if I could even handle it, it is just an idea. I shall chat it over with my futureness whenever he shows up. Perhaps he will have a few idears.

Most of my friends are in relationships...and the ones who are not are content, at least on the outside. Interesting. The season is changing. I don't know where that came from...just started typing, and that is what came out. It is my mind barf...like it?

One more thing, I need to clean my room. Not physically, I cleaned yesterday, but more...internally. I think it is just that I am growing up or something, but I just want to...grow up. I want to still be me...totally...but I want to be 'on fire' if you will. I know I hear God, I know that I know that I know that I hear God. Sometimes he tells me to do things or say things to people, and I totally shut him right up. It feels so immature to me. I want to be able to just forget about myself, and my issues that might get in the way of my ministry...I want to trust that God can work beyond that.

Crap. I have to go.