time is of the essence?

It has been a long time, that is for sure. A lot has been going on in my life. A lot, and at the same time...nothing. I have been learning so much about, well, stuff (sorry to be brief, but there is no other word to describe it!). I have been challanged big time as a Christian, and I think, for the first time, I understand slightly what it means to be persecuted for my faith. A huge chunk of the stuff I have gone through is far too personal to write on an internet journal, but I will share with you a slight revelation I have recently been privy to.

Sin = Self

It is that simple. I have heard it said before that sin is putting yourself on the throne of your life. Now, I believe it. Don't get me wrong, there is an enemy out there that HATES us, and thrives on bringing us pain and suffering...but we have free will...that is what the enemy relies on.

ANYTHING, and I mean, ANYTHING that we strive to do in order to bring pleasure to ourselves, or to somehow satisfy some sort of urge is putting ourselves before God. When we get saved, we accept Christ as our Lord, and we choose to follow him, the sad thing is that most Christians never make it to Calvary. Haha...it sounds so ridiculous. Even the diciples fled when it came to the crucifixion. When we are truely devoted and in love, and mature in God, we decide to crucify ourselves WITH Christ. We don't crucify ourselves along side Jesus, in order to somehow make a big name for ourselves as a Christ-follower. We are one with Him. Sigh...there is just so much to say about it...so many branches that this leads too, but I just don't have the emotional or physical energy to go into it.

All in all this showed me that my striving to get as close to God as possible by following formulas came to a crashing holt when I realized that 'I' am nothing, and 'I' am totally incapable of reaching any goals that 'I' have set for 'myself'. I trust God, I truely do. I know that Jesus in me, and God are one...and so I am one with Him.

Ahhhh...complete peace. No more striving, no more struggles to feel satisfied...just peace.

Work has been hard, Relationships have been hard, and Finances have been hard. But, A-it is just a season and B- in the grand scheme of things, my problems are nothing.

I am doing good. I feel grounded. I miss the ease of the last two years, but this is great for me. I really miss my friends, and I am SO deeply sorry for not staying in touch with people. I have been working 12-16 hour days six days a week...so I am pooped most of the time. I hate excusses, and that is one of the worst ones. I always said that work would always come second to friendships...inner vow...break it off.

Until next time...rest assured....there is a deep love in my heart for most of you reading this.

and there is always a degree of love in my heart for everyone!