i miss you

I miss my blog so much. I decided to post another brief line or two about my current state. I am happy. I am working. I have good friends who challenge me again. This is wonderful. I just hope this does not become the next place I have to 'get over' when I leave. I hope you all are doing swimmingly. I am off to work again. Remember, if you want to catch me, check out myspace.

BYE.

just keeping on top of the ball

Hey. I have really slacked at this whole blog thing. Ah well. If you really want to keep up with what is going on in my life, check out my journal on myspace. it's www.myspace.com/betha_boo.

My life has been pretty crazy. It has been a really rough year so far. I know that it will probably get a little bit rougher before it gets better, but that is okay. The reward will be wonderful.

I hope you all are doing well. Let me know what's up...I really do care.

Talk to you soon.

woah

well...i moved to toronto last month...and now i am moving somewhere else. i am pretty stressed about it, but it was due time for a post.
i know this was a short one, but whatev.
i am doing fine, and have a job that i enjoy, and i will soon get my pay check. i have a butt load of people that love me, including god. i have been spending a lot of time with the big guy, it has been a big need. basically i have 200 dollars for rent, and the cheapest you find a place in toronto is like 450, so i am pretty stuck. uh oh. oh well. life, lessons, and such.
i am going to go now. i will update sometime. thanks for reading.
peace. (please)
bethany

Rand McNally

WARNING: What you are about to read is depressing, and slightly dramatic. Please understand that this is a roller coaster ride you may not wish to get on, seeing as the turns are unpredictable and the hills may appear larger than they actually are. I thank you for any support that you wish to extend, but be aware that the way I am feeling today, will likely NOT be the way I feel tomorrow. Thanks.


This morning I woke up at 3:44 in the afternoon. Yes, I slept in. That is not a problem, right? Well, consider this: I have been sleeping in until at least 2:27 in the afternoon every day since the day after the day after new years. That was not a typo. They say that sleeping too much is a sign of depression. I feel like a hobo. Let's see...

A Hobo is generally:

-unemployed
-depressed
-has no money
-no friends
-dirty
-lazy
-unless they are insane, they don't have much of a spiritual side

Me:
-unemployed
-no money (wait...I do have 700 dollars in my bank account! Hold that up to the 9500 dollar debt from my car...and I am 8800 in the hole!!)
-signs of depression (bad attitude, draw to alcohol, sleeps a lot, writes dark poetry)
-lack of meaningful friendships (basically I am just lazy with my friends. I could care less if I see them or not ATM...except for a select two)
-I had two showers last week. Compare that to the shower every day I had two months ago...and that is one stinky situation!
-lazy...hmmm...well...i will get to that in a minute.
-God and me...let's just say...we are not in any sort of honey moon stage. We have not broken up or anything, but the silent treatment is really wearing thin.

I have two goals this year. Lose weight, make money.

If you have read some of my past posts, you can slightly understand that I HATE being materialistic. I hate living for the world. I have been pushed into spending this year doing the two things that make this world pathetic!!!

The weight thing is ok. I mean, temple of the H.S and what not. But after Christmas, I am pretty much back where I started. That means that I spent two months losing 8 inches, eating CRAP and working my ASS off...literally...and I gained it ALL back plus interest...in FIVE DAYS. So if I were to lose all the weight I want to lose, I could potentially gain it back in no time at all?!?!!?! That is no fair deal my friends. No fair deal at all!!!

I hate money.

Basically I woke up this morning and decided to be depressed. I decided to fight for my rights with the parentals and lost. I decided to ignore the slight push I felt to go to my room, shut the door, and listen to God. I decided to leave my dishes on the counter to piss off my mother. I decided to sit down and write about my depressing lifestyle on this blog.

The bottom line is, my mother was right. I am wasting away up here. I am makeing a bunch of choices that are breaking my life. It is not the area I am living in, it is the attitude mostly. Grrr...I hate when parents are right. I hate it when anyone but me is right. I think I just need some Jesus. Badly. Really badly.

Also, I need some job and future career ideas. I need a job that changes all the time, and where I can use a bunch of my talents. I love people, I love art, I love administration, I love cooking, I love event planning, I love writting, I love lots of stuff that I am not credited to do...hmmm...

now I am babbleing.

I will post when there is some dramatic news, or an intense mood change.

Don't worry about me, and I won't worry about me.
whatever that means.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back.
Bethany Dawn

baby it's cold outside...

It seems Christmas is upon us. It is the time of laughing and sharing between family and friends. Not for me it would seem. I have spent the last two nights striving for a time, any time, to have a nice evening with my family as a whole. Mom, Dad, Noah and Elijah, and myself...play a few games, watch a movie...anything that involved a happy time.
Everything started out fine, sure! Until Noah ran downstairs to play his stupid X-box, which, dare I say, he loves more than us! Did I mention that he was borderline...scratch that...he was drunk! Then there was me, yeah, that is right, I had a part in the disaster. I had to open my mouth and start freaking out at my brother and parents for their lack of caring about such a special event. It ended with my mom almost crying, my dad retreating, and me screaming into a pillow. Good ole Elijah kept his cool the entire time.
I guess no family is perfect, and I would not trade mine in for the world.
I am just tired of asking for happy memories.
Merry Christmas to everyone...and don't worry, mine could still turn for the best :)

can't hear the music

I am in my house. I am typing on the keyboard. I am listening to the quiet ruffles of my dog on the chesterfeild. I am alone. I am not alone. I am sitting on the floor. I am looking at the television. I am watching a blank screen. It is not blank. I am hungry. I am still. I am Canadian?

My brain is SO mushy right now. I am the only one in my house. It has not been this quiet in days. My mother will be home soon with some wonderful snacks. Mmm...veggies. Did I convince you? I sure don't like them, but it seems to be all I can eat. I am so hungry for bread, or chocolate, or chips. I am experiencing some intense withdrawl. No! Not just from food, but from a life. I have been doing nothing for days. I visited T-dot...niiice...but that was it. I need a job. I need a job badly. I can move anywhere, I could be in Scottland tomorrow for all I know. I literally can do anything. I am very gifted young lady, but it does not help to know that.

Sometimes I wish that i could only do one thing. It would make my life far easier. It would be the THING that I do, the THING that I am good at. But NoooOOOooo I have to be good at everything. I find it impossible to narrow down. Not only am I good at everything, but I like to do everything as well. Okay, granted, there is a slight exaggeration in my tone. I can't do EVERYTHING... but I sure can do a lot. I am a quick learner, and my brain learns in many different ways. I pick stuff up by watching, listening, doing, and guessing! I am pretty sure there are a lot of people out there like me...and I am sure it sucks for them as much as it sucks for myself.

So you...you tell me what to do. I can't make a decision. I can go anywhere, and do anything...so WHAT!?? What do I do? BLAH!

Does this count as my quarter life crisis?

Also, and on top of that, and so on and so forth...I wish I could marry a man like William Wallace. I watched Braveheart yesterday, and granted, he needed a hair cut and a shower or two...but his passion was inspiring. That is what I want...a guy who is passionately inspiring!

But I don't want him to go to war. Even if someone were to slit my throat and attempt to have their way with me. War sucks. Peace and forgiveness...

Hmmm...maybe not.
We shall see.

I wrote this in less than five minutes, can anyone tell?!?!?!?!?! I suuuuuuuure can.

i knit a scarff

Out of Wack.

I have considered using that phrase as and explination of how I feel at the moment. Problem is, I just don't know what it literally means. If you ask me, being 'In wack' sounds like a far worse situation. Bah! I just don't understand these old fashioned cliches.

I am still unemployed. Actually, that is not completely true. I have been translating my parents 'youth sexuality book' in to a language that young people can hopefully appreciate. I just don't think that the words 'marriage bed' will grab their attention. In the same way, the words 'peer affiramtion' may make them throw up. It is my responsibility to transform these (and many other) words and phrases into a language that only those under the age of 25 can get away with.

I am getting paid about 300 dollars to do it, and my parents treat it like they are doing ME a favour. I will spend the next three weeks (21 days) spending half the day (7 hours) doing the work. Let's see...that is about (21 times 7 = 147 minus 4 for weekends = 143) 2 dollars an hour!!!!!! Thanks mom and dad. I can truely see how YOU are getting the better end of the deal here.

In my house, there is a drawer. There are many drawers in my house, but this one in particular is THE drawer. Whenever anyone in the house is looking for something (ie, siccors, combs, glue, nail clippers) the first place we search is THE drawer. The funny thing is that the item we are looking for is never, nor was it ever in the drawer to begin with. So WHY do we look in the drawer in the first place?!?

And finally, working out. Okay, losing weight is hard enough as it is (7 pounds so far friends!!), but tredmills are SOOOOOO boring. I had to force Elijah to stand there with an Adrian Plass book (my new favourite book in all the world. I have read two of them in three days!) and read it to me for half an hour while I walk/run/jog/walk/cool down. If I do not have him read to me, I listen to music. Music makes it seem SO much longer. I got through half of a cd and only eleven minutes and thirteen seconds had passed. I almost puked right on the clock. It was dispicable. I hate tredmills. They suck. When I excersise, I like to do things that I feel are 'working'. Crunches, they work.

I miss bread.

Thank you to all of the comments I got on my last post. They were really encouraging. It is a bitter sweet feeling that most people have been through the same things I have expressed...I have also realized that not all dreams will come true. I guess that is a good thing, cuz life would get pretty boring if you woke up one day and realized that you had succeeded in all your dreams and you would have nothing left to live for. So, I shall keep dreaming, reaching for the unreachable star...I just wonder what star it is I am reaching for (I hope it does not turn out to be just another one of those darned satalites again!)

Riiiiiight.

Arivour Amigos.